The Tales of Henwa Island Azula the Wedding Planner
by Eduard Tubin
Summary: Lady Ursa and Hakoda to wed...Azula and Katara to fight. Karo will find a hiding place. Just for those who follow my stories - no surprises!
1. Chapter 1

**The Tales of Henwa Island**

**Azula the Wedding Planner**

_'Do not meddle in the affairs of computers for they are subtle and quick to crash.' Azula Kai_

Whack!

A spider the size of a serving plate met its end at the hands of Azula and a cricket bat.

Henwa Island had once had a covering of lush jungle. People had moved there and set up a civilization but the large spiders and creepy crawlies had not moved away. They had adapted to live with the people and with the advent of houses and shops; and that mean living in their houses.

"Another spider?" Karo walked into the kitchen.

"Another freak of nature crawled in here - a big black and green freak of nature." Azula pushed the door open and tried to use the cricket bat like a golf club to send it out into the back yard. "Did they once _dump _toxic waste here? Last week I saw a blue caterpillar the size of a small dog in a eucalyptus tree."

"Something has to keep the population of butt ugly small dogs in check." Karo lifted the lid of the tea pot. "Speaking of freaks, why did you shave our lemur?"

"I didn't shave him." Azula pushed spider guts forward toward the door with the end of the cricket bat. "He caught fire then I shaved him so he wouldn't look lopsided."

Karo nodded as he rinsed out the tea pot. "And he did this on his own initiative or did he have help?"

"He jumped up while I was practicing my fire bending forms yesterday evening."

A last swat with the cricket bat and the spider rolled out the door and made a squishy thud on the backyard lawn.

"Which brings up a complaint from the neighbor." Karo tossed three tea bags into the pot and then filled it with water. "Our lemur keeps eating his marijuana plants and he wants it to stop."

"He should cut them back." Azula stood at the door ready to hit the spider again should it not prove dead enough. "Mitsumi wouldn't eat them if they didn't grow over our lawn."

Whack!

"Don't expect that to happen any time soon." Karo drummed his fingers on the counter as he watched the teapot. "Most people have more height than width." Karo gestured with his hands. "That guy has more width than height. Nature just shouldn't work that way."

Whack!

"I'm sure its dead." Karo said as he watched the tea pot.

"Never leave that to chance."

"You can't win." Karo said less than reassuringly. "You'll kill off one spider dumb enough to crawl into the house and meanwhile ten more lie in wait in the window well of the backyard."

"War is hell." Azula came into the kitchen and looked under the sink. "Will DDT kill off spiders?"

Karo looked at the box of _'Kill -Em'_ DDT powder. The green drawings of insects had a red cross through it and the box guaranteed death to invertebrates of all kinds.

* * *

"Azula!" Katara cried out from her basement window. "What is _all_ this white powder – it's getting all over my stuff."

"Just bug powder." Azula answered back calmly. "Nothing dangerous."

"The back yard has turned white!" Katara roared. "What makes you so sure it's not dangerous!?"

"Uh well...they sell it at the market." Azula tried to sound comforting.

"Go away and take your death dealing with you." Katara slammed her window.

"Well!" Azula huffed as she walked back into the house with the box of insect powder.

Katara walked up the stairs. "Where is _that yahoo_ of a princess you call your fiance!?"

"What has gotten into you?" Azula asked. "You have a temper but you've been going off like artillery lately."

"I have dust all over my kitchen." Katara pointed sharply at the floor. "I don't have bugs in my kitchen because I'm not a pig. While I'm at it, can one of you please get your lemur! He's zoned out on my bed. I want him gone!"

"Did she call me _a pig?_" Azula looked to Karo.

"Okay!" Karo raised his hands in frustration. "I've known you two for years. I've grown resigned to the fact Azula can't clean and I know you have a temper. Lately you've seemed unhappy. So what's wrong?"

"My father is marrying Lady Ursa." Katara glowered at Azula. "He's marrying that _Fire Nation slut!_"

"You called my mother a_ 'slut'_?" Azula asked.

"He married _my_ mother and then the Fire Nation murdered her." Katara walked up to Azula and in a shocking move slugged her. Azula's glasses flew across the kitchen and landed near the teapot in pieces. The box of bug killing powder in Azula's hands fell to the floor and burst and Azula dropped like a sack of concrete.

Karo wore a shocked look. He stooped and helped Azula to her feet.

Azula held her left hand over her eye. "I assume the big black and red blur is Karo? Boy have my eyes started to go."

* * *

Karo sat on the couch fondly named _Big Red _and drew in his sketchpad.

Azula had spent the past hour talking to her mother and waving off Katara's attempts to heal her black eye. Azula kept seeing a big light dark blue blur spouting apologies and wishing to help, offering to replace Azula's broken glasses and Azula kept waving her off as she attempted to talk to her mother over the phone.

"I'm not at all angry...well...no I think he's..." Azula held the phone with her left hand as she iced her black eye with her right. "I know I used to think Water Tribe men were mindless _dumbasses_ but Karo taught me all men are mindless _dumbasses_."

Karo continued to draw the large spider whose existence Azula had ended with_ his_ cricket bat. He had no idea what made him take up cricket as sport but he had played in high school and never fully understood the rules. He still respected the bat and didn't approve of Azula using it to whack spiders.

Azula plopped her ice bag on the drawing. She faced the problem of ending a conversation on the phone with her mother who could spend hours talking. Azula pondered the grim reality she wouldn't be let go at any time soon and wondered if Lady Zhao ever sanitized the phone. She held the black Bakelite receiver and simply let her mom drone on. She had managed to deter Karo from drawing that hideous spider which in her eyes was a small accomplishment.

Katara had many occasions to respect Karo's self contained calm: he took Azula in stride and he had his own kind of tranquil nature quite unlike many fire benders.

He leafed through a pamphlet a sales agent for a religious movement had seen fit to deposit in the mailbox.

"I really don't know Hakoda _that_ well." Azula muttered into the phone.

"_And_ the whole earth was of one language and of one speech. _And_ it came to pass." Karo scratched his head for a moment. "You can begin a sentence with _'And'_?" Karo had a copy editor and grammar books constantly cajoling him to proper 'respectable' usagei.

"I " Azula told Karo. "Karo had a question...so the wedding will be at the Fire Nation palace in a month. Don't you think you might be rushing into things?"

Katara sat next to Karo and patted his knee.

"I don't...no...see...well."

"In the whole of _Book One 11:1 – 9_, I counted _maybe_ six sentences beginning with _'and'_ and something in the part of my brain that deals with language doesn't like it." Karo held out the small book. "I hate to think my brain's making a judgment error and the thought the _Word of God_ could be off doesn't offer me any more comfort."

"I have to cut this short. I have to stop Karo because he has begun to find religion _or_ enlightenment." Azula began to bow in that odd manner of the Fire Nation denizens when they had to say goodbye on the phone. "I'm not mad and I'll come so – yes – I'll remember to invite Lady Zhao. I'll expect the wedding invitations in the next few days. I really have to go before Karo starts singing hymns or worse – begins preaching to the neighbors."

Karo handed the book to Katara. "Which one? The fat guy, the folk singer and his family?"

"Bye." Azula hung up the phone and picked up her ice bag. "Mom _is _marrying Chief Hakoda of the Water Tribe and the wedding is a month from tomorrow."

"The last time you got trapped on the phone speaking to your mom; you told her an alien space craft had landed in the front yard and taken _me_ off to get probed." Karo had heard any number of such excuses after Azula had begun to zone out after a three hour phone call to her mom. She had once claimed Ba Sing Se had begun to be overrun with glaciers, continental drift had snapped the phone line and that an ambulance had crashed into the tree in front of the house and she had to root through the remains.

"I can heal your eye." Katara offered gently. "You don't want to have a bruise."

Katara's hands glowed with blue energy as water formed gloves around them.

"Ow!" Azula felt a brief jolt as Katara's healing energy began to heal the broken blood vessels around the eye socket. "One day the aliens will come and start their campaign of cow mutilations, crop circles and probing. Intelligent life has to exist out there somewhere."

"What if it gets to our level of technology and blows itself up?" Karo replied in a rather morose fashion.

Azula felt the pain slacken as Katara withdrew her hands. Azula could see things in focus at distances between a hand's width and arm length from her face.

* * *

Azula pushed her glasses up her nose as she stood on the front stoop and watched Karo sort through the day's mail.

"_Hakoda of the Water Tribe and Lady Ursa to Wed_." Karo read the wedding invitation that had arrived in the mail. "I wouldn't have picked that shade of blue or the red metallic script but it looks like we received one of these for everyone in the house."

"Does everyone in the Water Tribe have the last name_ 'Water Tribe'_?" Azula asked as she held her personal invitation in her hand. "Wouldn't that make a phone book rather hard to use?"

"I read somewhere they have four hundred and seventy words for " Karo fumbled with his keys looking for the one to the front door. "Another important question: who will be the one to deliver Katara's wedding invitation? I don't think slugging you in the head and busting your glasses has helped her come to peace with this blessed union."

"Did you know Henwa Island has forty species of venomous reptiles? The newspaper printed that in one of those columns of _'Fast Facts'_." Azula pushed the door open and shoved Karo through. "You talk to Katara and give her that invitation and I'll become a_ temporary_ herpetologist."

"_Temporary?_" Karo slumped down on the couch. "I hope the number of forty is editorial hyperbole. Forty? Now I'll have that fact front and foremost in my head when I have to reach into dark spaces."

Azula closed the door. "I assume handling poisonous snakes has a steep learning curve but lately a fanged snake would make better company than _that woman_."

"Dear Azula Kai...your extended health care plan has sent you a letter." Karo held out a formal looking envelope in plain brown paper.

"I had no idea they took an interest." Azula took the envelope and ripped it open.

Katara stomped up the stairs with her braid trailing behind her.

"_Dominion Health Extended Care_ has denied my claim for a new pair of glasses because they only cover two pair a year." Azula read from behind a plain white piece of paper. "That optician charged me a packet for these." She pointed at her face. "Who would have thought two soda bottles and a wire frame cost more to put together than an internal combustion engine?" Azula looked to Katara who looked rather angry. "They use borosilicate optical glass which costs more – we have your wedding invitation."

"My father asked Aang to be his Best Man." Katara spoke as if stabbing through the air with her words. "Lady Ursa hasn't decided if she will ask me or Karo's mother to be her Best Lady."

"Wedding plans follow no rational logic." Azula pushed her glasses back up her nose. "When did you find this out?"

"My dad sent me a letter in my wedding invitation. I picked it up when _I _got home." Katara held up the wedding invitation she had received. "My dad wants to _'involve'_ me in the wedding plans."

"Dear Jackass Claims Adjustor?" Azula nudged Karo. "The University takes a chunk of my money and pays these crooks. I have a right to break as many pairs of glasses I want." Azula looked at Katara. "Sorry...maybe I might lose another pair of glasses if I say this: but can't you be happy for your dad? My mother can be a pain but she means well and has very few of the psychological problems we have."

"You don't understand."

"Karo?" Azula looked at her fiance as he sat on the couch and fidgeted. "Do you have anything profound to say?"

"My extended care plan only allows me to break on pair of glasses every two years – my bosses bought us the cheapest coverage available in the _Industrialized World_." Karo rambled rather quietly. "I will admit that – well – please don't take this the wrong way and detach my retina...but...you've been depressed and angry lately."

"When you come up those stairs I feel like the guy working next to the bomb disposal expert with Turrettes." Azula did her best to complete the thought Karo had begun to express.

* * *

"Have I really been that hard to live with?" Katara appeared that Monday at the door of the computer lab. She found Azula picking pieces of a paper jam out of the teleprinter and cursing at it.

Azula looked up. "I suppose you hate the idea of becoming my sister." She began to pick away at the teleprinter's paper guides with a large pair of tweezers and blowing into it. "I know I'm swelling with pride at the prospect of being in your family portrait but as my brother Zuko said: _'times have changed'_." Azula looked up again. "Of course a true princess wouldn't be clearing a paper jam out of a piece of office equipment."

"I know you won't forgive me and you hold a grudge..."

Azula held up a dead moth in the tweezers. "Where did you get that idea?"

"I defeated you and Zuko claimed the throne and you had a nervous breakdown and had to spend time in a hospital." Katara stood in the door as she watched Azula drop a dead moth into a olive drab metal waist basket. "They did unspeakable things to you in that hospital."

"You broke my glasses."

"I didn't mean to add to your misery." Katara looked shamefully at the floor.

"Why not? In a hundred years who'll know the difference?" Azula smiled wryly.

Katara had to take a moment to think about this remark. "Karo said something similar once: _'If you're worried now, wait a century and you'll find the problem goes away.'_" The Henwanese (or Suihanni as they called themselves) had a friendly nature_ but _indulged in bouts of pessimism and a despair at the ephemeral nature of human existence. "Do you mean life is just too short?"

"I half expected you to slug me one day." Azula set the clamp that held the paper back in place and hoped the teleprinter wouldn't jam again. "My brother is an unhappy man. Lady Mai is an unhappy woman. I had my share of misery but if I let that depress me and then ruin my life: I would fall prey to the same weakness that afflicts my brother. You forget my stubborn streak and my unwillingness to let life make me miserable. At least if I enjoy some parts of my life, I'm stronger than my brother and Lady Mai." Azula banged the teleprinter with the side of her hand as a prod to get it working. "I can punch_you_ in the face if it would satisfy that odd urge for justice you harbor."

"Would you enjoy that?"

"Probably not." Azula kicked the base of the teleprinter and it began printing.

"Neither would I." Katara walked around the massive teal colored steel consoles that housed the heart of the great_ Admiral 670 Mainframe Computer_. "In a month, we'll be stepsisters. Have you given that any thought?"

Azula kicked the teleprinter again. "I knew my mother would fall in love. She feels deeply lonely and unhappy. Goodness knows she grew to hate my sadistic and megalomaniac madman of a father. She's pushing fifty – as is your dad – so let them have this." Azula looked down at a mass of paper boiling out of the teleprinter. "I will admit to having had a girl crush on you for years so calling you sister will be weird or more weird depending on your inner nature. You have to deal with the fact your new sis' is a _complete dork_."

"I know about your crush on me." Katara smiled sublimely as she brushed the top of the computer console and felt its warmth. "I used to hate you as _The Princess_ but I am very fond of _The Dork._ The mad genius has made me laugh and she has always been true to herself so I'll have a sister who's a dork but my radio will always work."

* * *

Karo shut the door carefully behind him with a soft click and tossed the mail onto the coffee table.

"Why _are _you reading the Northern Water Tribe phone book?" Karo looked quizzically at Azula as she sat on the couch.

"Anthropological curiosity?"

"Shouldn't that require you to watch people in loincloths from behind binoculars or a camera while hiding in a hunting blind?"

"Anthropologists also make up exotically believable falsehoods about those people." Azula placed the phone book down. "I wanted to know how they listed people in the phone book if everyone had the last name _'Water Tribe'_. If I will become Azula Water Tribe, will I have a unique last name or the same one everyone has?"

"And?" Karo sat down and held the daily newspaper.

"They have more than one last name in the Northern Water Tribe. The system seems to work when the children take the father's first name and add the word – son – to it. I _could_ become _Azula Watertribeson_." Azula put her feet up on the coffee table. "A simple system but rather uncreative – I had hoped for more. Quite a few people have the last name_ 'Bearson' _so if you need to look up a specific _'Bearson'_ expect some wrong numbers." Azula read the _literate_ meaning of the Chinese characters in the phone book listed by radical (the Chinese equivalent of the classification scheme used to list characters).

A cheerful Katara wheeled into the house and slammed the door shut. "The forecast predicted thunderstorms but its sunny and warm so why is it snowing?"

"Snowing?" Karo asked cautiously.

"White stuff is falling from the sky."

Karo knew instantly that a volcano in the Fire Nation had blown its stack. Every Henwanese man woman and dog knew when a volcanic island belonging to the Fire Nation had blown its top because the ash cloud followed the prevailing winds drove the cloud over their country and dumped white ash on anything – preferring newly washed cars and trains. Karo stood up and walked to the door and looked out.

The end of the Great War had given the hundred or so explosive and useless islands to the Fire Nation. The Henwanese lived on a nice, dormant peaceful rocks and had no use for volcanoes: they tended to drive insurance rates skyward. They had not rid themselves of the ash clouds. Karo saw white flakes floating down from the sunny sky. He had no idea which mountain had blown its top, the newspaper office would receive that news and print it.

"Ember Island blew its top again." Azula offered a qualified assurance. The once quiet resort island had erupted a dozen times in the last decade and rid itself of the top thousand meters of its volcanic peak. Ember Island had become the most raucous party-goer among a cast of noisy party-goers that included the island Roku had once lived on. "If you see our mailbox fly by then let me know. My mom picked it – a cast metal box with white flowers on either side and a white mailbox flap? It will whistle in at ballistic speed."

Karo closed the door to keep the fine dust out of the home. Azula's theory made sense. Ember Island lay right on the heading that brought ash to Henwa and was the most powerful volcanic mountain in the chain.

* * *

_The Graf Zeppelin Airline_ had formed to serve the needs of the abundantly profitable Henwanese market. _'On an ocean liner you travel, on our Zeppelins, you voyage!'_ was the slogan of the company and in all truth, most people had come to trust dirigibles. A trip to the Fire Nation Capitol by sea took three or more days and promised sea sickness. A trip by Zeppelin took less than a day and had a smoothness that coddled even the most sensitive stomach.

Karo had patronized_ 'The Happy Tourist' _travel agency for years and waited patiently as the young woman behind the counter made calls. He had come to book his Zeppelin trip and purchase the four tickets for everyone in the household. He saved a good deal by booking in advance and assured a decent stateroom – or so he thought.

He had looked forward to the trip: he hated boats but on a Zeppelin, he could enjoy good food, great views and never felt trapped on a stinking, rusting and floating piece of steel.

"We're sorry Karo," the agent hung up the phone, adjusted her red hair bow and looked at him kindly. "But the airlines can't fly through the ash because it causes damage to the engines and skins of airships. I tried with Graf, but they have canceled the direct flights to the Fire Nation until the Ember Island eruption ends. Dominion Air, Air Earth Kingdom and Fire Nation Air have told me the same thing." The agent opened a pamphlet and she turned it around on the counter for Karo to read. "All of their flights to the Earth Kingdom still run. You could go to Wakkenai or Omashu and transfer to another flight to the Fire Nation but that would cost a good deal more and take two days at least. You'd also have to book a hotel because you'd have an overnight stop in Wakkenai."

Karo read the pamphlet carefully. Only madmen or the insane followers of the _Wakkenai Whalers_ hockey franchise would knowingly visit Wakkenai in the winter. Karo had never been there although it had become a stop for airships and ocean liners bound either north or south. It had begun as three towns but the Fire Nation occupied it and amalgamated the three fishing towns into one city. _'Wonderful Wakkenai'_ as the pamphlet called it, gave a few quick facts – population 210,000 as of last year. A map inside the pamphlet gave the locations of hotels, the hockey arena and museum and the invitation to attend the _Annual Wakkenai Winter Festival and Sled Dog Races_.

The pamphlet never told tourists of the winter storms and the chance their airship would never arrive because the weather gods had decided to bury the city in a meter of snow. It didn't tell hockey fan what they already knew – _The Wakkenai Whalers_ sat in the basement of the standings each year. Karo had come from the newspaper office. The telegraph operator received weather information from around the world. The local weather was partly cloudy and about 23 degrees: a few degrees above average for the winter. He had not thought to check Wakkenai's weather in the latest paper but had noted Ba Sing Se had a high of -11 and periods of snow. He stood in the first floor of a building about thirty degrees north. Ba Sing Se was fifty five degrees North. He didn't hope for good weather.

"Wakkenai: high 0 degrees centigrade, snow and freezing rain." The travel agent had found the local newspaper. "Sorry."

* * *

A sign taped to a lamp post on the street that ran along the beach warned of the dangers of volcanic ash and implored people to remain indoors as much as possible. Similar signs in the native Henwanese and in Chinese appeared every few years after a surfer wound up in the mouth of a shark.

Azula didn't swim but the ash did make her life unpleasant. She breathed in small particles and coughed as each tiny piece acted like a little needle. She couldn't see anything falling from the sky but the sidewalk had a thin layer of loose ash and the leaves of the palm and eucalyptus trees had a hazy coating of the stuff. Each footfall stirred up dust and each brush past a tree made the ash take flight in a lung burning cloud.

"Ember Island aspires to be more than an Ember." Karo said as he walked up to Azula. "What overly optimistic idiot names a volcanic island 'Ember'?

Azula nodded. "Did you buy the tickets?"

"I haven't yet." Karo pulled out the pamphlet from his vest. "Ember Island screwed up all the flight schedules. Unless it stops spewing ash, we're either going to have to take an ocean liner or fly to the Earth Kingdom and then to the Fire Nation to dodge the ash. We may have to stay overnight in Wakkenai so I wanted to talk to everybody first."

Azula coughed. "We could take a boat."

"I have a pathological aversion to any form of marine travel."

"I don't understand why. If a blimp blows up or the wings fall off the plane; can you fly?" Azula brushed dust off a lamp post. "I say we vote on it and what I choose – goes."

"We'll see what Katara and my mom say." Karo replied as they turned into the driveway.

"Before you come in," Lady Zhao announced through the open living room window. "Mitsumi is trapped in the Jacaranda tree again. See if you can get him to come down."

Mitsumi could fly but didn't know that at times when he might find it useful.

"Flip a coin to see who climbs the tree?" Karo knew this was more of a wish than a real option.

"Get yourself up that tree." Azula ordered.

"What part of the primate branch of the mammal family does something this stupid belong to." Karo began climbing the tree and flicked a green furry caterpillar off the first branch. "Why this tree? It spews purple flowers every year and bears no fruit."

Karo called out in frustration: "You can fly!"

"He's been out there all afternoon." Katara came out of the house. "Something spooked him."

"I'm not having a good day!" Karo complained. "The Zeppelins can't fly to the Fire Nation so if we want to fly; we'll have to fly out to some hole in the Earth Kingdom, stay overnight and then fly to the Fire Nation."

"Why not take an ocean liner?" Katara suggested. "We could make it a vacation."

"My keys are poking me. Our species didn't evolve to climb trees and it shows." Karo looked at the roof. "Anyone want me to get all the crap off our roof while I'm up here. I see one of those telephone pole glass insulators – better to not ask how."

"Keep quiet." Azula yelled out. "Mitsumi keeps working his way out along that branch."

"The Flying Lemur or Lemurus Stupidae." Karo muttered. "He knows me and I'm nowhere near him!"

"My father has connections in the Water Tribes and we could sail on a Water Tribe ship for free."

"Good Lord No!" Azula and Karo spoke up in unison.

"Why not?" Katara asked.

"The last time I sailed on a Water Tribe ship; I had to do my bathroom business in a wooden bucket." Azula didn't put too fine an edge on that point. "We have the technology to make a toilet."

Karo clutched the trunk of the tree. "I will admit that bothered me and because Water Tribe ships have such tight quarters, I couldn't use the bucket. I get shy that way."

Katara watched as Karo inched out along the branch toward Mitsumi who had perched on the end of one of the more structurally unsound ones.

"You can fly!" Azula shouted. "Well sort of...fly."

"I can't." Karo reminded the people on the ground. "Come on Mitsumi! Just glide gently to the Earth and then I can get out of this tree."

Mitsumi took off from the tip of the branch and flew to settle on top of the nearest telephone pole. Karo held on as the branch shook and found himself flipping around it so he now hung underneath it. The ash from recent days fell into Karo's nostrils.

Karo slowly made his way to the trunk of the tree and hung from the branch for a moment until his feet landed on a branch below him and gave him time to grasp the trunk.

"A Water Tribe crew knows the sea." Katara told Karo as he inched down the trunk of the tree. "You'll be with real men who love to sail on the open ocean and have decades of experience."

Karo coughed. "Real manly men? As much as the prospect of spending time with buff men makes me tingle – I have to still say no." Karo shimmied down down the trunk. "I still would like a bathroom or at least a seat covering the bucket. If the ship had a steam engine, that would help."

* * *

"So I got vetoed because _mom_ thinks I need to spend time with manly men?" Karo adjusted the radio to find the popular _'Thursday Night Classics'_ program.

"You got vetoed because your mother decided to save money." Azula said as she adjusted the cushions on Big Red. "I voted no because _I believe_ we should make use of the steam engine but your mom decided to break the tie by simply putting her foot down. I think she wants to meet burly men."

"Ew!" Karo wrinkled his nose.

_'Your program of classical music entertainment is brought to you by Zap! Laundry Detergent. __Zap your laundry stains away.'_ The enthusiastic announcer crooned. _'In Henwanese culture, The Requiem was a special service for funerals and...'_

All classical music programs began this way. The announcer explained the origins of the work and a few notes about the performers and their credentials. Katara heard this dialog. Whatever she could say about the Henwanese (or Suihan as they called themselves); they loved their musical traditions.

Mitsumi fell asleep in a ball on the floor beneath the stand for the radio and belched.

"Can you please turn that down?" Katara picked up the phone and sat on the couch. "I'm going to try to get in touch with my dad."

"I invented a new thing," Azula pushed Karo up from the couch, "I call it_ 'The Remote Control'_."

"Quiet please." Katara whispered as she waited for the international operator to answer the line.

Karo loped over to the radio and turned the volume down.

"Have you thought of getting a phone?" Azula asked. "Then you could call people and run up _your own_ phone bill without interrupting our radio listening."

"Hello?" Katara shouted over the phone as she motioned Azula to quiet down. "I'm Hakoda's daughter Katara. If he is staying there, could I please speak to him?"

Karo had moved up to sit beside the radio and listened with his ear next to the loudspeaker.

"Hello?" Katara answered again.

"Modern telephones allow fast, efficient and simple verbal communication between people. Our switchboard permits none of those things." Azula nudged Katara. "Use my own special direct channel to the ear of the Fire Lord known only to me and my restraining order."

"What do I do?"

Azula cracked her knuckles. "My brother has his own private line. First dial 012 then 39. Dial 76-6-4667 and wait. When the operator asks you for your name – say Princess Azula and then ask for Local 9858."

"Princess Azula. Local 9858 Please." Katara didn't feel comfortable about deception. The international dialing code for the Fire Nation capitol was 39. She knew better than to ask what the '012' was for.

The telephone rang four times. "Hello? You have a lot of nerve calling here, Azula, after what you did!"

"What did you do?" Katara held her hand over the earpiece and asked Azula.

"I celebrated the Winter Solstice as I saw fit." Azula coyly replied. "I had fifty take out Fat Boy dinners shipped to the Fire Nation palace."

"Actually this is Katara." Katara replied into the phone.

"Oh...Azula wasn't supposed to give out this number." Zuko replied rather officiously. "She shouldn't be using it either, but she does."

"May I speak to my father?" Katara asked politely.

"Hold on." Zuko had many duties to complete before retiring for the night. The Dominion and the Fire Nation had never agreed on Time Zones. Zuko had taken calls from Azula at twelve or one in the morning Fire Nation time but she had sent the call at ten in the evening their time depending on the time of year – The Dominion never used Daylight Savings Time.

Karo had his ear close to the radio as the music of the_ Credo_ swelled into a B Major chorale. He could hear Mitsumi snoring but he sang out in a pleasing tenor.

"Hi dad." Katara said. "Karo! Can you pipe down."

"We believe all in one God." Karo sang with a degree of richness that hinted he should have been fat.

Azula threw a cushion from the couch at his head. "Katara can't hear her father with your singing combined with lemur snoring."

"Karo?" Katara asked. "Have you ever sang at weddings?

"Me?" Karo pointed at himself. "Not at all."

My father says you have a very fine voice." Katara gestured for Karo to talk on the phone. "Do you want to sing at his wedding?"

Karo walked over as Katara held the phone for him. "Chief Hakoda? Thank you for your kind words."

"Do you wish to sing The Fire Nation wedding songs at our wedding?" Hakoda said patiently.

Karo hesitated. "I'm afraid I don't know them."

"What were you singing?"

"A part of a funeral mass: an aria called 'We believe all in one God, king of heaven and of earth." Karo had trouble explaining the concept beyond that. "Surely you have better talent in the Fire Nation."

Azula knew the traditional songs sang at a wedding and knew some of the difficulties faced by Karo. Suihan had a gentle sound scape and a natural rhythm that made it perfect for singing and the Henwanese had evolved singing to a high and complex art that made full use of the beautiful sounds of the language. Chinese had a brutal sound compared to it.

"What about a wedding song sung for Henwanese weddings." Hakoda offered. "Lady Ursa loves _The National Philharmonic Tenors._"

"The only one I know of gets sung after the jealous friends of the groom get drunk at the reception – _not _a ditty for formal occasions." Karo explained as he debated whether to_ actually_ sing in front of half the important people of two nations. He feared speaking in public. He had become respected for his comic art and many comic conventions had offered him money to speak to fans. He never could bring himself to do it.

"Please let me know if you wish to do it." Hakoda didn't wish to push the shy cartoonist beyond his comfort zone. "May I speak to Katara please?"

"Hi dad." Katara paused. "Karo gets shy in front of crowds." She paused again. "I know but the Henwanese aren't_ that _bad. Well some might be rude."

"We don't waste time with formality because we've much to say and time is limited." Azula's use of 'we' caught Katara off guard because Katara had always identified Azula as the ultimate Fire Nation nationalist. Philosophically, Azula was a kindred spirit of _The Henwanese Renaissance_ as it had begun to be called. Azula valued science and reason above tradition; yet had not ever come so close to renouncing her Fire Nation identity.

"We can't take the Zeppelin to the wedding. Are any Water Tribe ships able to give Lady Zhao, Karo, Azula and me a ride?"

"The Royal Family of King Arwoon will be at the wedding and can pick us up in the royal yacht?" Katara said happily. "My friends will definitely be happy to travel in such comfort."

"I thought he died." Azula said bluntly as she listened to the radio with Karo. "I thought '_Reg__ì__s Arv__ù__n Alluitte Kir__à__tan'_ was dead."

"No!" Katara mouthed under her breath.

"At least he must be so old that we stand a very good chance of witnessing a burial at sea." Azula grimaced although she had to admit she had lost track of events in the Water tribe homelands. Katara's grandmother and Master Pakku had married and lived happily in the Southern Water Tribe homeland. "What keeps the old Water Tribe codgers alive? Cryogenics?"

Katara smacked Azula's shoulder. "Sorry you had to hear that. Azula has never learned to respect her elders. Anyhow, the arrangements sound great. Thanks dad."

* * *

_The Northern Water tribe Royal Yacht Yue_ did nothing to inspire confidence. Azula asked Katara if they had ever heard of the internal combustion engine.

"Does this imply I won't be doing my business in something that flushes?" Karo decided to ask as the large sailing vessel slowly put into the harbor. "If Azula and my mom didn't both have me by the collar, I'd be running over the fence and past those teamsters loading coal onto that solid looking _metal_ ship. I bet that coal freighter has flush toilets. Maybe we could sail with them?"

"Have I ever told you that you come from an utterly backwards country?" Azula reminded Katara. "Do they still find solar eclipses a surprise? Do they have the number zero? I hope they have a compass."

"I will let go of you two when we finally board the yacht." Lady Zhao said patiently. "Remember that we're guests on board this ship and don't do anything to humiliate me."

Mitsumi sat on top of their baggage and twitched his ears.

"A week at sea because of a volcano." Azula grumbled. "I think your mom agreed to this because she wanted to hang out with burly Water Tribe men. I _know_ Katara wants to meet her perfect Water Tribe guy." Azula turned to Karo. "This is all your fault."

Karo watched with dread as the ship pulled up to the dock.

"My fault?" Karo protested. "What did I do? Did I forget to sacrifice a virgin to the volcano gods? I think that duty falls to the Minister of Internal Affairs or whatever knob in The Fire Nation takes care of those duties. I didn't get the memo that I had to chuck the virgin to his or her death."

A ramp thumped down next to the group and a dignified old man came down to greet the group. "I am Master Pakku of the Water Tribe. Welcome aboard."

A polar bear dog ran up to greet the group and jumped Karo.

"Get him off me! Get him off! Get him off!" Karo demanded as the large animal gave him a hearty lick to the face.

"Saro likes you." Master Pakku chuckled as Katara gave him a heartfelt hug.

"Can we get this over with?" Azula complained. Lady Zhao slapped her gently on the shoulder. "My mother in law wants to meet a single, buff and not gay – Water Tribe hunk because she's – stop hitting me!"

"Is Gran Gran on board?" Katara's eyes lit up.

"She's not going to miss the wedding of her son!" Pakku explained.

Sokka loped down the ramp. "Hey Karo and Azula! Suki and I look forward to telling you all of the stories and jokes from when we traveled with the Avatar." He helped Karo to his feet. "Love your cartoons – you have to teach me to draw."

A small child rushed up to Azula. "Mommy calls you 'that Fire Nation bitch'." With that the four year old child gave Azula hug.

"Who are you and why are you taking the pleats out of my pants?"

"Aori." The child announced. "I'm Koko's child."

"Oh sweet saints above." Karo moaned. "You remember Koko? She hit on me at Suki's wedding. I may jump overboard."

"The sharks would eat you." Katara warned Karo.

* * *

Azula heard Karo tromp down the hall. She looked around what would be 'home' for the next week. It had two small, neat wooden bunks and enough space left over for two people to stand up. Except for a small window with a wooden shutter (but no glass); Azula would have found it claustrophobic.

"Great Archangel Gabriel!" Karo yelled out loud. "I can't use this."

Azula heard Karo stomp back and slide the door open. "I thought the bucket was missing. Our galleon has a more upscale toilet. You crap through a hole into the sea! If I hold my head just right; I can see an oil rig!"

"I'll just hold it until we arrive." Azula looked into the hallway as Katara walked quietly past. "Katara? Can you clarify a few things?"

"I heard Karo yell. Lucky for us, the crew doesn't speak Henwanese." Katara said seriously. "Master Pakku has taken us on board as guests and you two start complaining. We have a word for that in the Water Tribe – rude."

"Does the Water Tribe lexicon include a word for 'toilet'?" Azula snapped back as she lay back down on her bunk and picked up a graphic novel. "I could get a huge halibut in my -"

"We'll cope." Karo interrupted as he knew the word following 'my' would be crude.

Azula mused as she blindly flipped through the pages of the novel. "Everyone has really been quiet. Toph hasn't stomped into our room to pick her toes. Koko hasn't come around to hit on Karo and her hell spawn isn't hugging my pants. We've sailed for six hours and are almost up to the field of offshore oil rigs."

Karo pulled the wooden lever and looked out into the sea beyond. The visibility was poor but he saw a huge Dominion oil rig some distance away spitting out a red orange flare and black smoke into the sky. "Do I have any skills an oil company would need? A nice union job with good food – what does it take to become a petroleum engineer?"

"Do you have any clue where petroleum comes from?" Azula asked Karo as she folded her comic over her chest.

"I really have no ideas. I know it winds up in petrol stations." Karo answered hopefully. "I have the problem half surrounded."

"Don't you think you should consider a career in operating a petrol station then?" Azula lay on her back and yawned. "I will admit the idea of pumping gas _does_ hold more intellectual fascination than spending a week on this floating coffin."

"You can lend a helping hand if your bored." Katara replied. "Hard work builds character."

"Now you're baiting me." Azula griped.

Karo pushed past Katara suddenly and half ran and stumbled along the hallway.

"Where's he going?" Katara pointed to Karo.

"Food escape." Karo closed the door to the bathroom.

"Welcome aboard the_ Good Ship Yue_. _Water Tribe Ocean Lines_ – the wind blows – we suck." Azula leaned back on the bed with her back against the wall. "I have a week with Karo blowing chunks, you bothering me with timely reminders about being a well mannered person and Karo's mother playing at the cougar game."

"I have to help prepare the meals." Katara stood in the doorway and Karo crawled under her arm. "You will be happy to note we have taken your food allergies into account."

I saw a freighter steaming to the Fire Nation." Karo searched around the room. "I need to write _'Help us – we're being held hostages by Water Tribe pirates!_' on the bed sheets."

Azula stood on deck and held a pair of binoculars to her eyes. "_The Graf Spee of Henwa._ A large and solid looking vessel."

"I sense a tremor in the force." Azula lay back in her bed with her hands behind her head.

"I sense a flickering in the light," Karo complained as he tried to fill in the newspaper crossword under the light of a flickering storm lantern. "Eight letter word for _'a kind of metal used in airplanes'_."

"Aluminum...I can hear amazonian footfalls and a kindergarten kid are coming this way."

* * *

Karo pulled the shutters open and looked down at the bloom of bio-luminescent algae that followed the track of the ship. The sun had set and the green light gave off by the strange algae were the only source of light. A dark fin shape a meter tall cut through the water and followed the ship.

A knock came at the door and Azula complained as she stood up. "Sorry, but the farrier has gone home for the day. Please come back tomorrow." Azula spoke in Suihan and in a quiet voice as she slid the door open. Ah Koko...and Aori."

"I came over to say hello." Koko still looked far too tall for a woman in Azula's eyes but had the pleasant face of a young Kyoshi Warrior. "Suki and Sokka sailed to the wedding on their ship but I spent some time touring – now do I call it Suihan or Henwa? I have never traveled for fun before."

"I suppose you want to come in. Suki and Sokka have a ship?" Azula asked as she invited Koko and Aori into the cramped room. She leaned overt he bunk and grabbed Karo's collar and pulled him back into the room.

"I saw a shark the size of a train car. Not the small train cars but one of the big dining cars with two levels." Karo sat on his bunk and adjusted his glasses. "Hello Koko. How have you been all this time?"

"Until I stepped on this ship; I felt fairly good." Karo blushed. "Did you enjoy Suihan?"

"It is called Suihan?" Koko smiled as she held her daughter's hand. "I spend the last month traveling the islands of your country and I hope to move to Torquay with my mother and daughter."

Karo knew this place for it lay only fifty kilometers east of his home city. Torquay had taken its name from the old tower fort built a thousand years ago. The tower had long since fallen into the sea but the city had grown along the rugged, forested ravines that lined a small bay. Torquay had become a tourist town and cruise ships stopped their and Karo had no trouble understanding the appeal of the place. He found it surprising to find out Koko had spent time only a few kilometers from where he lived.

"I can't stay a Kyoshi Warrior forever." Koko admitted to the room. "My daughter needs an education and my mother wants to live somewhere less remote."

"What about your husband?" Karo asked tentatively.

Koko smiled weakly. "He is one of the reasons I decided to learn your language and move. Kyoshi Island and Suihan are about the same size but Suihan has made much more progress toward equality for women. My husband left one stormy night on a fishing boat never to return. My mother had to help us make a living but Kyoshi Island hardly offers job opportunities. A company from your country has a huge aluminum mine but try getting a job running a drag line as a woman."

"Can you speak Suihan? If you plan to live there, knowing the language is necessary." Azula asked dubiously. "Many other people find it quite difficult."

"Aori has a good accent but I still have problems but that will come to me in time." Koko patted her daughter on the back. "We'll cope."

"I hope the best for you." Karo nodded.

"I thought I should introduce myself." Koko turned around carefully and pushed Aori gently out of the door. "We should get some rest. It's been a long day and we're very tired."

iKaro's unease comes out of a **deep structure rule** in the Suihan language. Suihan has no equivalent word for 'and' to join independent clauses or sentences. Suihan can only join noun or verb clauses with _'and'_ _but does away with conjunctions for clauses_. Suihan has free word order (what linguists call a **scrambler language**) but the complex system of endings on nouns and verbs as well as context make clause boundaries explicitly clear.

iiAzula speaks Chinese but prefacing a sentence isn't good writing in that language either.

iiiThis is a myth and it started in Henwa. Chinese scholars from the Fire Nation made the astonishing claim the Henwanese had sixteen words for 'water'. Suihan has sixteen forms for each noun – **eight singular and eight plural** forms which form a list called a **noun declension**. They communicate the role or **subject case** of the noun – what it does in the clause. The system has internal logic and is very consistent but a few nouns like _'water – misti'_ have irregular forms that can appear to be different words.


	2. Chapter 2

**The Tales of Henwa Island**

**The Wedding of Chief Hakoda and Lady Ursa**

_'I could plan for every possible contingency and at the instant I finished my task; a new contingency totally unanticipated would arise. I have no colorful theories to explain it but the Universe works that way.' Azula Kai_

"Three days of boredom for a five minute palanquin ride?" Karo sat across from Azula on the heaving seat of a palanquin. 'The others got picked up by cabs but you insisted on having four sweaty teamsters heave you up to the Fire Nation palace on the back of their shoulders. Do you know what happens to people who screw with teamsters? God I hope they get paid."

"I wanted to return to the palace in the traditional manner befitting a royal princess." Azula smirked. "I wanted to see if we still had the palanquin and the people to bear it."

"_Koh the Face Stealer_ has nothing compared to union bosses when it comes to evil. I'll end up digging my own grave and then having it filled with concrete." Karo muttered. "These four look very unhappy."

"How do you know they're teamsters?" Azula sat cross legged on a large red cushion.

Karo sat cross legged on his cushion as the palanquin rocked back and forth as the bearers climbed up the mountain on the old road that lead to the old guard tower. Karo knew Zuko had a fine new motorway built to the palace but judging from the grunting of the men carrying him; they weren't using it.

"How many members of the _Dentists' Association_ would carry us on their backs in a box?" Karo stated the obvious.

Azula knew the traditional trappings of royal privilege would make the democracy loving Karo uneasy – which was half the fun. The other half came from her knowledge that at union scale; Zuko would wind up paying these four men more for a single trip to the palace than most people spent on a car. She also knew the teamsters might have more than a few complaints with their union boss and that would make even more trouble for Zuko.

Karo coughed loudly and then sneezed. "How long has it been since this thing was last cleaned?"

"I rode it to leave with my father on his trip to destroy the Earth Kingdom."

Karo patted the red fabric of the cushion next to him. A cloud of rancid dust came up. "I smell rat feces."

"Quite the labor saving contraption. I've never rode on a human powered vehicle with finials." Karo directed his comments at the gold leaf covered wooden caps over the four corners of the palanquin and the thing at the top he took for an unnecessary weather vane. "So you used to ride around the capitol in a box that looks like a mock up colonial style garden shed? That dude hosting the home improvement show must be proud."

"My dad rode around on the capitol this way." Azula explained. "I had to traipse all over the globe with Ty Lee and Mai doing work for my dad while he planned more military failures and met with concubines. I think this particular palanquin belonged to my mother before I had it."

The palanquin stopped swaying and both Karo and Azula heard it drop to the ground with a thump.

Azula poked her head out and saw that they had only gone a third of the way up the hill. She could see the vast harbor of the capitol below them and the tangle of red roofed houses laying along the graceful hillsides near the palace mountain. The four bearers had taken a seat on the carved stone railing and had opened metal lunch boxes.

"What are you doing?" Azula asked in a strained voice.

"Lunch break!" A husky man with permanent five o'clock shadow who looked like he had trained to lift elephants held up a thermos. "We get two coffee breaks and one hour of lunch according to union rules."

"Quite the labor saving contraption – this palanquin." Karo commented from within the vehicle. "Makes me wonder why we ever bothered to invent the internal combustion engine."

"I'll deal with you later."

* * *

"Half a click in four hours, twenty six minutes eleven seconds by my reckoning." Azula hissed as she stepped off the palanquin. "Some glaciers put us to shame."

"That trip cost me quite a bit, but it annoyed you so I got good value for my money." Lady Mai spoke in greeting as she stood beside Zuko in the palace garden.

"If we hadn't brought that portable magnetic chess set; I might have grown quite angry with the trip." Azula had determined not to climb out of the palanquin and walk the last few hundred meters for she hoped the trip cost her tormentors a packet.

Karo stumbled out of the palanquin and looked blankly at the only two people in the palace yard: Zuko and Lady Mai. As if setting the stage for some kind of oddly Asian stereotype, cherry blossoms wafted in the wind and Karo prepared to bow. Zuko and Mai wore the long, luxurious robes of the Fire Lord and Lady fully gilded with gold and wore the gold and red hair decorations which made them look like fancy porcelain chess pieces. A sharp blow to his side caught Karo's attention as he wondered why cherry blossoms looked so gentle and beautiful while olive trees looked like cranky old men and had flowers not worth looking at.

"Bow," Azula growled at a low range only she could reach, "and I kill you."

"Ow!" Karo held his back. "I sat in lotus position for four hours. I can't do_ anything _but bow!"

Azula had the entire afternoon to think of various cajolories and threats. Karo badly wanted to dispense with the Fire Nation ritual greeting and find a comfortable bathroom.

Zuko knew he had not kept a close enough eye on his wife and she had fired the first round in what he feared would become a flare up in the cold war between his sister and his wife. He found out about what Mai had done only after the palanquin had left and the teamsters had their promise of double overtime if they hauled Azula and Karo up the hill as slowly and agonizingly as possible. He had discovered even he couldn't defeat incompetence and those people he trusted to tell him important details often failed to include the smaller details needed to fill in gaps in his understanding. He concluded that incompetence merely moved around but never actually went away like the line of dust the dustpan_ always _left behind.

He hoped to God Azula was angry but predictable. He looked into Azula's eyes as they shot daggers at Mai and realized that wasn't likely.

"Of course I found out about this only when it was too late..." Fire Lord Zuko said apologetically. "I had your baggage sent to our finest guest room."

Lady Mai had almost dared to hope to provoke Azula into a fight. Mai had the power of the title of the Fire Lady and Azula had no position of consequence. The princess had become a citizen of a democracy.

Fire Lord Zuko had reason to worry. The Dominion had banned the Agni Kai, had no concept of honor but had the money and the technology and _would _take every opportunity to put their thumbs down on the Fire Nation. Zuko didn't want an international indecent.

Zuko turned his face to Mai's ear and slowly whispered. "You should apologize to Karo and Azula for the trouble. When I say apologize, I mean offer to pay both him and Azula the same money to compensate for their troubles."

"What will that accomplish?" Mai whispered back.

Zuko cleared his throat. "We have greatly inconvenienced you two and we apologize. We made a mistake and so will also pay both of you the same money we paid the men plus fifty percent."

Mai looked at her husband in stunned silence.

Zuko understood Karo and the Dominion as well as any foreigner. Money settled matters and he hoped Azula had lived in the Dominion long enough to have acquired their oddly financial world view.

"The bearers were teamsters and palanquin bearing wasn't part of their job duties." Azula argued. "Union regulations typically pay twice the overtime rate for such duties and that would be at the wages in the Fire Nation. Your workers earn a fifth as much as ours so I will accept your deal if and only if you pay out based on the wage of our teamsters in our currency."

This was his way of delicately explaining their money was worth nothing.

* * *

"I'm actually proud of you in the only way I can be proud of you and somewhat shamed." Karo sat at the large red couch in the living quarters of the guest quarters and counted his money out onto the ornate wooden coffee table. He didn't mistrust Zuko but a good economist and denizen of the Dominion never failed to check these things. "We can get a new radio with _'Magic Tune'_ and built in phonograph with our money."

"I don't have the _Admiral 670_ to yell at and kick over here in the palace so I have to torment my brother and Mai." Azula opened the curtains to the late afternoon light.

"I feel pity for both of them." Karo started counting his money again. "I have heard about how you treat the programmers you have philosophical differences with. You told the team of programmers from Ba Sing Se to_ 'kindly do the world a favor and commit suicide'_." Karo reminded Azula of an incident that led to several letters between the two institutions.

"We still have philosophical differences. I want a general purpose programming language that forces the programmer to program at a low level without aid from complex tools." Azula and a number of others in the fledgling industry didn't want 'help' and wished to keep tools simple, general and able to address a wide range of problems. Ba Sing Se wanted a full fledged language with a debugger and memory management and specialized modules to allow for programming complex mathematical simulations. They showed Azula their work and she told them what to do with it. "They want a funky abacus; I want a machine which serves everyone's needs. The computer will progress faster if more demand exists for it. Those idiots at Ba Sing Se bought one and no one outside the math department ever sees it - stupid backwards knuckle dragging apes!"

Karo nodded. "I find it hard to become passionate about programming language or mathematics but I find this _a canonical example_ of how you hold onto grudges."

"Hatred serves to keep my mind limber."

"At least you kept yourself from shooting lightning at Mai."

"You sound relieved. I try to be kind but it isn't in me but I can win by other means. I didn't lose it with Mai because I found a way to win by diplomacy." Azula looked out into the palace yard and opened a window to let fresh air into the stuffy room. "Zuko will do anything to keep the peace between Mai and me and so I turned my anger into profit. A major spat or Agni Kai would cause him problems with the Dominion. I enjoyed the look on Mai's face when Zuko agreed to pay us on our terms"

"She must really please him in other ways."

"Ew..." Azula rolled up the blind and daylight poured in. "You do have the kit to test our food for poisons?"

Karo knew_ the Kit_. Actually the kit was a good idea in a palace of poisoners where others prepared the food. It let Azula know if someone had decided to poison her with arsenic, thallium or plain good old fashioned mercury. She had had memorized the spectrum of each element.

* * *

Azula stood at the window facing the palace gardens with a wrench in her hands.

Karo knew no good would come of this. Azula had broken into a utility box.

Lady Mai and one of her hand maidens walked under the shade of a flowering cherry tree. Karo knew the Fire Nation had a special name for this activity but that wasn't important at the moment.

Azula had her hand on the dial of the timer of the palace garden sprinkler system which she had convinced to turn on at her command rather than at two in the morning as the staff had set it to do.

"Do I want to know?" Karo picked up the smashed brass padlock.

Click

Azula clapped her hands in joy as Mai screamed and her servant girl scattered.

"You do know they have the death penalty in this country?" Karo ducked instinctively. "Will my life end when I face a Fire Nation firing squad? Lady Mai doesn't have your sense of humor and she hates you."

Two large burly men rushed towards Karo and grabbed him by his collar.

"Come with us!" The burliest man said to Azula. "You are under arrest."

Azula kicked the brass lock away. "For what?"

"Being an utter pain in the ass." Zuko came out from behind the burly guards. "I knew you would try something like this so I had the guards stake out the obvious prank locations."

"You had the sprinklers set for less than optimal watering."

"Quiet...please." Zuko raised his hand. "You make my wife unhappy and when my wife is unhappy; I am unhappy. I have never had a happy wife but your presence in the palace has made her more unhappy than normal. In two days, we'll have the wedding of my mother to Chief Hakoda of the Water Tribe. I notice most of the social malfunctions and wedding misfires come out of your twisted sense of propriety so I have decided to keep as many eyes on you as possible."

"I had nothing to do with this." Karo hung from the burly arm of the guard. "I may have anticipated this more robustly but when was my stupidity a crime?"

"I have a new policy called containment." Zuko silenced Karo with a gentle wave of his hand. "Azula was alone in the plot to ruin my life, run up my phone bill and enrage my wife but you should keep your woman on a shorter leash."

"He only has one testicle." Azula said in his defense.

Karo shut up. He didn't think he had anything to say that would help his case.

"Bring them along." Zuko ordered his guards.

* * *

"Ow! How will crushing my chest advance your cause?" Karo complained as the guard lifted him off the ground.

The guard holding Karo propped him in front of a fairly angry looking Fire Lord Zuko while maintaining a death grip on him.

Karo felt a nervous twitch propagate from his eye over his entire face.

Zuko glared at Azula. "I awoke this morning and I told my wife _'I loved her'_." He waved his hand in the air with a grand gesture. "She told me to get stuffed."

"What has this got to do with me?" Azula spoke in a condescending tone carefully designed to get under her brother's skin.

Karo looked pathetic. "This guard has begun to crush my spleen." Karo sounded in distress.

"Will crushing Karo help Mai's mood?" Azula put her hand against the steel pillar and twirled around it.

"Crushing Karo will keep you from doing anything foolish." Zuko reprimanded Azula. "I doubt your started mucking with the sprinkler system for the palace because you have your certification as a plumber! The sprinklers worked fine for years until you two arrived and then Mai found she couldn't get across the courtyard without getting drenched."

"As pranks go, that one counts as rather harmless." Azula protested. "I was one lose wire nut away from a gas boiler explosion but I _restrained _myself."

Zuko growled out loud. He didn't want to make a show of his frustration but the old resentments surfaced involuntarily. "Can you tell me why the phone company keeps sending _me_ wake up calls at five in the morning? Only you and now Katara know how to get past the switchboard and Katara promised me she wouldn't abuse the privilege."

Azula had to admit that would prove annoying. The Fire Nation phone company had a service where for a fee, they would call a customer up and act as a kind of alarm clock. Azula decided this service so heinous that it _needed abusing_ and she gave them Zuko's number and a nearly impossibly early time for the call.

Azula stifled a snicker. She had done this to make Mai more miserable. Annoying Zuko came as a courtesy bonus.

"I told them to stop." Zuko punched his fist into his hand. "I told them to stop because as the Fire Lord I had earned respect. They told me to submit a letter to terminate the service."

"The phone company respects no man woman or child. I speak from personal experience. When we conquered Ba Sing Se during the War; I had a phone installed and the phone company sent me a bill a magnitude of order more expensive than the agreed upon fee. I threatened beheading if they failed to rectify the problem. I told them as Princess Azula; _I_ could send them all to prison."

"What happened?" Zuko almost seemed curious at this point.

"They told me to stop calling and disconnected the phone." Azula pointed her delicate finger to the sky. "I planned my unspeakable revenge and sent guards to their billing department but the roads in Ba Sing Se developed traffic jams because of _'phone company maintenance_' vehicles, carts and ostrich horse driven utility carriages. They ran their lines on poles ten meters above street level but somehow needed to dig a trench by their offices."

Zuko ground his teeth and sighed under his breath. He nodded to the guard holding Karo and the guard let go; Karo dropped to the floor and ran off. Zuko had never quite understood what the nervous Karo saw in his sister. He figured Karo was either oblivious to her flaws or had the demeanor of a saint.

"Fine!" Zuko said unhappily and waved his hand. "You may go." Zuko knew better than to make himself the broadest target in a prank war. He could have spoken out about her misuse of the palace sprinklers but then that would simply stiffen Azula's resolve to win at all costs and that could be costly.

"I have caterers to speak with." Zuko waved his hand. Negotiations with caterers involved having the best foods of the Water Tribe and the Fire Nation available. Never mind the solid fact the two nations disagreed on what constituted edible cuisine. Zuko had never had to find dolphin sweetmeats before. The Water Tribe knobs expected to eat them on regal occasions.

* * *

Zuko stared at Azula as she strolled the throne room and sat in the throne of the Fire Lord.

"I can't leave you alone for even a moment without you trying to take the throne." He tugged at the red sleeve of his robe. "Where is your fiance?"

"He barfed on the palace grounds under that old peach tree. Your guard traumatized him." Azula sat on the throne. "What did I do?"

"Nothing...in the last thirty minutes that any of us know about. Get off the throne!"

Karo stumbled into the throne room and bumped into Zuko looking wobbly.

"Have you finished puking on the greenery?" Zuko brushed Karo's vest with his hands and helped steady him.

Karo stared over his glasses as his eyes adjusted to the dark. "I puked on a cherry tree. Azula called it a peach tree." Karo steadied himself. "What Azula didn't tell you was that Lady Mai – your dignified wife – hacked the sprinklers and nearly drowned me. I could hear her cackle as I danced around the north palace garden trying to keep dry. I swear she _wanted_ to see me dance."

Zuko had expect many of these sorts of things to happen in the next few days. "If you don't want to be a target of opportunity; have a word with Azula and negotiate a truce."

"I fixed the phone in your quarters." Azula twirled the broken end of a telephone receiver on her finger. "She nearly soaked me by the way. She blames me for sending her to prison."

"You_ did _send her to prison!" Zuko exclaimed.

"She had torn off those _'Do Not Remove'_ tags on mattresses. I had no choice."

Karo heard an argument in the distance.

"I hear mother arguing with someone." Azula announced as she held the wires of the broken telephone.

"I kept the receipt for the wedding gift."

A ficus met its end when it toppled over. Hakoda walked backwards with the dead plant tangled in his feet.

"I can't move to the Southern Water Tribe." Lady Ursa announced.

"You have a ficus around your feet..." Karo pointed down as Hakoda turned around. Karo saw the potted ficus all over the palace and had tripped up on several of them but in spite of his bad nerves; had not managed to puke in one.

The acoustics in the palace throne room were very good. Azula could hear Hakoda's shock and her mother's indignation despite the fact the size of the throne room would put hockey arenas to shame. From the throne, Azula could hear the finest detail.

"I have no joy in life." Zuko waved his hand. "Azula – please get off the throne. Can anyone explain to my what this fight is about?"

Azula sat on the throne and put her foot up on the gold rail. "Water Tribe men have certain ideas of what good wives should do. One of the things they want in a wife is obedience."

"Azula...please don't _try_ to help." Zuko rubbed his head. "Take Karo and find a servant to let you in your quarters and have all the _Mr. Fuzi_ you want."

"I'll take it under advisement." Azula smiled slyly. "I can't imagine why my mother wouldn't want to move to the_ Southern Water Tribe Homeland_. A land where temperatures can plummet to '_cold enough to make dry ice_' in the open."

"I can visit you but I must stay by my son and be a leader for my people." Lady Ursa pleaded. "I _am _ Lady Ursa."

"Have you two considered our little island nation as a fitting compromise. A half hour north east of our hometown is a nice town called Torquay. You can retire in a nice house with green gables and live your days enjoying the best retirement amenities like lawn bowling and the marina." Azula explained. 'You will have to learn our language but contrary to rumors, it isn't that difficult."

Hakoda looked at Karo. "Suihan is easy to learn?" This was news to him. "I will admit Karo speaks a beautiful language for music but my five decade old brain is far to old to memorize those long noun conjugations."

"Declensions...noun declensions...verbs conjugate and nouns decline." Azula corrected Hakoda politely. "I'm not saying you have to chirp like a native but after a while you'll catch on. Besides that, in time you'll come to admire the language for its vast repositories of swear words and obscene expressions."

"Can we keep our mind on task?" Zuko protested. "I had lessons and all I can remember is the word _'vino'_." Zuko lacked a complete education as his banishment kicked in shortly after the teacher delivered the bad news about Suihan verbs; namely that they had hundreds of fiddly endings. Zuko had one of those teachers who waited until the day after the last day to withdraw from a class to drop that bombshell on his Chinese speaking students who didn't expect verbs to turn tricks. Zuko quietly envied Karo and Azula's ability to unpack the fifteen trivial endings on a Suihan verb and somehow make it mean anything at all.

"Where do you want me to go?" Karo asked nervously. "You gave me a command to leave. You forgot the second person pronoun _'tui'_. Maybe I do speak a fussy language." Karo paced in a circle.

Zuko faced both Lady Ursa and Hakoda and tried to come up with a razor fine piece of reasoning to settle the argument. He had pondered the _'Southern Water Tribe'_ _culture is a rich and vibrant one_. Azula would scoff at the very thought. As for comfort, the most Water Tribes could offer was a painless death from hypothermia. He considered the_ 'for the love of each other' _but Azula would put that down quickly.

Azula knew most of the anthropological claims made about the Water Tribe made a good argument for not living with them. Arranged marriages and old fashioned gender roles combined with the utter lack of public services and an institutionalized belief electricity and gas were magic made for less convincing arguments for adopting that way of life.

"As a man in the prime of my life; I see no reason to settle down in a tropical resort and retire." Hakoda directed his reply to Lady Ursa who now seriously pondered the idea and Karo who had decided to play the role of the _Torquay Chamber of Commerce_. "As a Water Tribe gentleman, I can't stop sailing the seas and take up gardening in a backyard plot."

"You don't have to." Azula now had relaxed a good deal more on the throne and lay back with her feet dangling over one of the gold rails. "You could have a pond stocked with fish. One stick of dynamite and – kablammo! You have all the fish you want for the next month."

Zuko held his head in his hands and rubbed his eyes. "My doctor tells me I have anxiety issues _and_ told me to take up gardening. Azula! Do I have to have you removed from _my_ throne?"

"Zuzu!" Azula plopped her feet loudly on the floor. "I look so cool on this throne."

"Lady Ursa could buy one of those tourist hotels they have in Torquay to cater to tourists and you and your Water Tribe crew could fish and have a place to call home in the off season." Karo snapped his fingers. He had done work for an estates agent in Torquay who had a nice hotel with Victorian style gables and a full professional kitchen in his listings. He had no idea why he recalled this except for seven digit price tag.

* * *

Azula lay back on the huge four poster bed and wondered how many trees had died to make the thing.

"Karo?" Azula complained. "Quit drinking soda and belching verb conjugations! I may have to damage you if you keep this up."

Karo had discovered Chinese exchange students used belching to memorize Suihan conjugations and prided himself that he could make it much further into the nest of conjugation twice as far before he ran out of gas.

Karo stopped at the past perfect third person. Chinese verbs had one form but his native language had countless forms. He wondered if Hakoda was right – if his native language was 'fussy'. Karo always thought it the paradigm of logic and common sense although learning to read proved a right royal pain in the ass. The written word seemed a trivial invention but one the Realm had never managed to get right.

Karo had started to turn blue from hypoxia as he walked around the room. He let out a gassy sounding gasp and picked up his _'Special Edition Ritalin Enhanced Cola'_ which had twice the sugar and still tasted bitter. His belch sounded a good deal like the past participle of the verb 'to become'.

Katara walked into the room with a Fire Nation servant following her with a yellow measuring tape in her hands. "As Lady Ursa's daughter, have you decided what you will say during the toasts? The wedding's tomorrow."

"Karo can belch out verb conjugations." Azula sat on the edge of the bed. "Feed him soda and an irregular verb in his native language and he'll get to the past participle and then start suffering from lack of air."

"Uh huh." Katara pulled up a padded desk chair and sat down. "I take that as a 'no'?"

"Quite a talent you have, Karo." Azula told Karo. "Hard to believe your belching has gone unnoticed for such a long time." She yawned. "I have decided to _'wing it'_ and tell some banal and inoffensive stories from my childhood."

Katara's _Desktop Guide to Suihan Grammar_ listed the verb forms in the traditional way: present tense, past tense, future tense and then the participle. If Karo followed that order then he had a really strange talent or a herniated esophagus.

"Do you have any banal and inoffensive stories from childhood?" Katara asked doubtfully. "I can't see you and Zuko playing together in a sandbox. You fight and disagree with every member of your family and everyone in my family I have been stupid enough to introduce to you. Can you please tell me a story from childhood?"

Azula stared into space. "Well no! So Karo belching verb conjugations it is?"

Katara looked at Karo. "In the talent pool; Karo belching out the _plus perfect_ is all you have?"

"Karo won't be belching out anything." Karo held his head. "Karo may have had an aneurysm and is very dizzy."

"The way I met Karo is the kind of story of two dorks finding each other." Azula offered Katara something. "You remember how we met at Iroh's tea house?"

Katara had to admit of all the stories of all the people she knew; the way Azula and Karo had met was sweet in its own twisted way. As with most of their shared history as a couple, it involved humor and yet one thing she never doubted – Karo and Azula did love each other.

* * *

The Fire Nation had a hall that put big box stores and the Fire Nation throne room to shame.

"_Ki__á__ magai da, __vec__í__ mnui hin nag__átte téttinan datte, to séliki námu anmé._" Karo whispered under his breath. Old Church Suihan had its charms and if the Modern High Suihan language failed him; he could 'drop down' to a more liturgical mode of speech.

"For he that is mighty, has done for me great things, and holy is his name?" Azula whispered back. "Why do you quote church hymns when you feel nervous or socially put upon? It's an odd neurosis."

"God isn't here but it hardly matters since every other Fire Nation and Water Tribe of any social importance has come to this little wedding." In spite of the vast scale of the huge hall with row upon row of wooden tables laid out like furrows; Karo found himself feeling cramped and claustrophobic. "I had hoped God would turn up so I would have someone I could talk to."

"Ask the _All Knowing Creator of All _why the Fire Nation has to have such squalid interiors." Azula's eyes panned over the heavy roof with huge Gothic arches carved into it. Large windows covered in red curtains let a feeble sepia toned light through which made the roof look looming and evil. "The legend has it that the dwarfs of yore carved this hall out of solid rock."

"But I can see the seams where the mortar joins the rock." Karo admitted. "Rather shabby looking stonework for dwarfs."

"Fire Nation dwarfs built it – so its ugly."

"I haven't seen wooden floors this large outside of basketball arenas." Karo never understood why Fire Nation architecture always had a good amount of heft to it. He knew it had to withstand quakes but the dark stone and bleak, charcoal gray floor and tiny windows made for an oppressive experience.

"We invented basketball and decided to make money selling out our royal hall to college teams." Azula lied in an obvious way.

Karo told himself to calm down.

"In the time we spent on _The Yue_, we didn't see the irregular noun and his irregular noun wife once," Karo muttered by way of random nervousness, "I just saw _'Reg__ì__s Arv__ù__n Alluitte Kir__à__tan' _take his seat but where is _'I Reg__ú__sei'_?

"Dead...for the better part of a decade now." Azula said as she scouted out for anyone familiar in the hordes of wedding guests. "He has largely retired and turned his duties over to his son – Hensei if your newspaper has the spelling correct."

"We have a seat at Table 3." Karo held out a paper _'Order of Service' _or whatever the Fire Nation called it. Karo hoped the seating plans made sense and he'd sit next to someone he knew but he knew weddings didn't work that way. "I think we're sitting next to one of Hakoda's college friends."

"Ask yourself: _Does _Hakoda look like the college graduate type?" Azula had her hand on Karo's back and weaved him through the crowd as they talked and looked for their seating arrangements. "Maybe he did his letters in philosophy but he looks like the kind who ended up squatting in the quad playing the guitar."

Katara had the most beautiful Water Tribe dress Azula had ever seen (Azula would not ever admit that). It had shades of blue cascading silk and the fur collar she wore looked pure white. She had bright blue gem earrings and wore her mother's Water Tribe choker and when Azula checked – big feet in the very best high heeled blue seal skin shoes she had seen. She had her hair braided but in place of the blue porcelain hair decorations had cobalt blue glass ornamenting her hair.

Katara walked up to Azula clutching a delicate blue seal skin purse as her stilettos made a loud, confident thumping sound against the floor.

"You look gorgeous." Karo spoke admiringly.

"Didn't those animals badly need their skins to keep their innards in?" Azula pointed at the purse and kicked Karo's shin. "I will admit you put on quite a show. I might have thought something important had been scheduled for the afternoon."

"Royal Northern Water Tribe formal dress for the daughter of the groom." Katara twirled happily for both Karo and Azula. "What do you think?"

"Beautiful!" Karo picked at his vest which was the black vest of a Fire Nation royal. The thick felt and gold trim made an impression but it certainly didn't flatter. Karo knew the black vest was made of some kind of woven rock wool designed for deflecting fire bending attacks and the trim was gold but he never felt sexy in it. "Please stop kicking me." He protested to Azula as he grabbed his ankle. Even though Azula never caused pain, she had habit of delivering a poke check or kick to the shins to get his attention. "She looks nice."

The hall appeared to have the same layout as the solar system. The wedding party and immediate family formed the central 'Sun' and Table 3 lay in the habitable zone of the realm of inner planets. The close relatives and friends sat in the terrestrial planet zone. The outer tables sat the more distant relatives and given the size of the hall; the Kuiper Belt tables sat journalists, guests and people savvy enough to walk in off the street for the promise of a free meal. The inner tables had fancy red velvet covered chairs made of fine mahogany. The Kuiper Belt had the folding stacking chairs made of butt numbing gray metal.

* * *

Azula sat down and held the chair for the nervous Karo.

Karo sighed with relief for nothing had gone wrong yet.

Karo gasped with joy as a middle aged man with a tall but athletic build sat down next to Azula. He wore the traditional dress clothes of the Northern Water Tribe but had a clean shave look and short brown hair that had begun to go thin at the temples.

"That is Tikano!" Karo whispered in Azula's ears in Suihan (so the sycophancy in his voice couldn't be heard).

"Good for him. Quit leaning into my space." Azula whispered back. "How drunk will they let me get?" Azula stared into an empty glass next to an elaborate red origami napkin.

"I have his hockey card. The greatest goalie who ever strapped on skates and you're sitting next to him!" Karo muttered back. "He played in Ba Sing Se during the War. I saw him play at _University __Place_ back when they didn't all wear helmets."

Azula knew things had gotten worse. After the War, Ba Sing Se had torn down their temple to sports – _University Place_ – and built the glittering new_ 'Earthdome Arena'_. Karo bought a brick from the old arena and kept it in his collection of sports memorabilia. He had also tried to buy one of the old back breaking insults to comfort the arena managers called wooden folding seats but lacked the money. He even bid on the old asbestos tiles but health officials forbade their sale.

Azula tapped her finger and thought of possible courses of action.

"Can you get his autograph?" Karo handed Azula a five spot.

"On a fiver? So you want this man to write his name on legal tender? Do you have a pen? "

Karo nodded in the negative. "Don't you?"

Azula grumbled something about living in a country with no denomination of paper currency smaller than a fiver. She produced a fountain pen and handed it and the fiver back to Karo.

Much to Azula's relief, the dim lights dimmed further. She had that feeling of watching a casino show chorus line about to take stage. The stage stood on a stage about half a meter over the sea of tables set aside for the proletariat. Azula had hoped for a kick line of chorus girls singing show tunes. Instead an elderly man with white hair and a thin mouth took the stage and a follow spot tracked him as he walked alone the stage. He had the robes of the Fire Nation priest but looked like an elderly science school teacher. He had white, unruly looking short hair with no hair decoration. Azula thought he looked a tad ridiculous for someone with the somber position of Fire Nation priest.

Karo had expected a drum roll and could not escape the impression he had expected a Fire Nation priest to wear a hat.

"Some of you make know me from my science program on Dominion Radio: The World of Tomorrow. My name is Kaizen and I will be your master of ceremonies."

Azula coughed as she recognized the voice of the radio announcer ricocheting across the hall. She knew the occasion was important because the talents of educational program narrators didn't come cheap.

"I wish to welcome Avatar Aang and his beautiful wife Ty Lee." He announced as the follow spot lit up the table directly below the stage and Aang and Ty Lee stood up and bowed as the hall erupted in a chorus of applause.

Azula wore the desperate look of _Scott of the Antarctic_ after he had eaten the last frozen Shetland pony. The thought in her mind was much the same: _'I'm not getting out of this alive'_.

Karo leaned up against her holding the five note and the pen.

Azula kept hoping someone would bring along a drinks trolley. They did this on short haul flights in float planes to prevent anyone from being to sober enough to realize they were riding a chair in the sky.

"Will _you_ quit leaning on me." Azula pushed Karo away. "You can talk during the wedding reception. Right now, sit still and let the radio commentator speak."

Kaizen had the refined voice for radio work. Azula understood he came at a high cost which is something she had feared for the more expensive the wedding, the longer and more boring the ceremony. She had hoped a midget would have come out with her mother and Chief Hakoda in tow and simply stated: 'You're married'. She didn't know why the image of a midget held such appeal for a wedding but had hoped for a short and concise ceremony.

"Do you want to change seats?" Azula asked Karo as she blocked a rather bad pun made by the announcer. "You can sit in my seat and have old hockey players deface currency."

"You can't change places," Katara warned as she pushed between the aisles helping others to find their seats. "We had the seating order very carefully planned out so you can't shift seats."

The table numbering scheme defied Azula's sense of logic. Karo and her sat on the outside along with others who would be speaking, but due to the lack of ornateness in her dress, they had placed her and Karo behind a collection of Kyoshi Warriors, Fire Nation knobs and Gran Gran and Master Pakku. She imagined they wished to hide the boring looking people when a wedding was a social game of dressing up. Those at the front had clothes that had more than enough cloth to make sails for a ship.

The announcer drone on and introduced various 'special' guests as the follow spot searched over the crowd like the guests were in a game show.

The Kyoshi Warriors stood up in unison as the follow spot landed on their table. Azula had once gone to the opera with Karo to a popular operetta called _The Geisha _and the Kyoshi Warriors were even more brightly dressed than the opera singers.

"And the daughter of Lady Ursa." The announcer shouted and gestured flamboyantly. "The beautiful and ingenious Princess Azula."

Karo nudged Azula as the light descended on her.

"Stand up." Karo explained.

"I feel life the Mothership has come to beam me up." Azula stood up to a roar of applause. "Let me know if we win the car." The follow spot drifted away from Azula and she sat down.

"And the host of the festivities of this day – Fire Lord Zuko and his beautiful wife Lady Mai." The announcer motioned for the crowd to stand up and applause. "Thank you for your kind hospitality."

Azula wanted to chuck a rolled up napkin at Mai's head but Karo shook his head in disapproval.

And the ceremony began. A Fire Nation wedding ceremony was exactly like a Church of England wedding except for all of the details and the Fire Nation priest dressed up in red robes and gold and an amphora shaped helmet. He made swift moves that looked dance like and a Fire Nation icon emerged in glowing orange flame.

Karo could feel the heat as the emblem blazed and hoped the man had superb control.

Azula hoped this would end the contribution of religion to the ceremony.

A Water Tribe priestess entered from the other side of the stage and looked down on the crowd as she sculpted water into an intricate shape like that of the moon that froze into a solid icon of the Water Tribe.

Azula feared this was only the beginning of a ceremony based in ancient tradition, incomprehensible cultural significance and _one up man-ship_. Any culture capable of delegating the chewing and dying of hides to women had much to teach industrialized countries: that lesson wasn't efficiency in making mass produced goods.

The Fire Nation culture had taken the art of paper folding beyond all reason. Azula had heard of a Fire Nation origami artist who had made a scale model of the nucleus of a Uranium atom and had such a finely honed sense for detail that he even used colors to represent the spin of the electrons. A culture capable of folding a red napkin in delicate bird shapes also had much to teach industrialized countries: the graceful toleration of boredom.

Azula had anticipated boredom and brought a thick book – the kind of book that looked like it ate other books – with her.

"I recognize the book: I had to read large chunks of that fat thing for my first year literature course." Karo whispered to Azula. "How many a _Canterbury Tale_ will our guests hear? A knight there was, and he a mighty man?"

"How far would we have to travel to go on a pilgrimage to Canterbury?" Azula placed the huge book on the table and it announced its presence with a loud thump. "Can_ your_ Geoffrey Chaucer sue us from the grave?"

"I wouldn't put it past him."

The moon shape faded into steam as Katara sat next to Karo and answered the question of who was seated to the other side of the hockey legend.

"If you want to have a more true to life story; why not read from Hamlet?"Katara sat down with an elegance only hoped for by Karo or Azula.

Fourteen billion years ago, the Universe began out of nothing.

Azula pondered if The Theory of Relativity was complete. The time dilation effects of velocities made perfect sense for the bean counting physicists seeking to make sense of the order of things. Azula wondered if the effect of boredom also generated this effect. The clock on the wall told her that in her frame of reality – five minutes had gone by. She had wondered if the clock told a lie because she had spent eons in the hall as the two priests recited their lines.

Karo wondered if thirty five degrees centigrade at ninety percent humidity was the temperature inside the hall or if he now sat on the surface of the Sun. For a late winder afternoon; thirty five degree heat seemed obscene. Karo felt his gold plated hair pin half expecting the zinc core to have become molten.

As the Universe evolved; humans entered the scene and they made up all the institutions they needed to delude themselves into thinking of their little lives as important. In the Avatar Realm; that included ceremonies for every occasion.

Karo wondered if anyone in the_ Fire Nation_ or among the _Water Tribe_ valued their time.

Azula had once accused the written Chinese language of having the expressive power of two paper cups attached by a piece of string. Karo wondered if spoken formal Chinese had narcotic powers. Azula had already nudged him twice to keep him awake.

Azula wondered at what point the roaches would take over and it occurred to her that the basement under the hall had thirty tons of a toxic nerve agent her father had brewed up for some unforeseen eventuality.

She had no idea if Zuko or one of his cronies had uncovered it.

"Did you bring that magnetic chess set?" Karo yawned as he fanned himself with The Order of Service.

Azula plopped the magnetic chess set on the large tome of literature she had brought to pass the time. Karo had bought the Magneto-Magic chess set because it had the words _Magnet_ and _Magic _in the name. He had also been captivated by the copy on the cardboard box that promised the buyer a chance to_ 'One Day Play Chess in Zero Gravity'._ Azula set up the board and prepared to defeat Karo.

Katara was last seen prowling the _Asteroid Belt _zone of tables greeting distant relatives and dignitaries such as the Mayor of Geelong (a city to the north of the capitol famous for taking the name of the local volcanic mountain – Mount Geelong which had a cable car and a viewing deck that looked out to the sea and nothing else).

* * *

**Authors Notes:** The Suihan language belongs to the _Indo European_ language family and is a distant cousin of Germanic Languages like English. Suihan shares features of Latin and Old Irish and fits in best as a branch between the closely related Celtic and Latin branches of that tree. Some readers may have noticed it has much in common with European languages of antiquity.

Fire Nation Chinese speakers find it a difficult language because it has features like gender for nouns, free word order and makes use of many word endings to mark grammatical functions in nouns and verbs. A student of Latin or German would find it fairly easy to master and English or French speakers would find the grammar fairly regular as while it does have irregularities; they fall into systematic patterns that arise out of the phonology or historical circumstances of the language.

The 'roots' of nouns, verbs and adjectives usually have Chinese characters with the endings spelled out using a kind of system similar to gana found in Japanese. Suihan has few homonyms so characters and their combinations have one reading. Japanese has at least two, Chinese can have thirty. This eases the burden as does the fact Suihan restricts itself to 808 characters in common use. The Suihan language can be spelled out in their alphabet 'Gana' which fits the language well. The use of digraphs combinations of characters) like ci to spell ch, gi to spell j and si to spell sh – so called hardening is far more regular than English and no words have truly irregular spellings. Accents lengthen vowels (or in some dialects mark stress) and follow rules. The Gana or Alphabet characters Suihan uses follow the same rules. A chart of Roman to Suihan Gana is very close to being accurate with the Roman accent using a similar mark over the Gana for that vowel. The Suihan language borrowed the Gana from Old Kyoshi but selected the hiragana used on sound as well as simplicity: Suihan uses cursive forms not stroke order to render them and cherry picked those characters easily written in one or two stroke. What the reader sees written in phonetically is fairly accurate.

It began as a project to account for Fire Nation names like Azula that definitely didn't fit the pattern of Asian names. As the language grew, it began to become a character in its own right. Suihan had to appear exotic and strange to those who would speak Asian language because it works in a manner different from Chinese. Suihan would become what the European's called Japanese – a devil language.

All languages are basically the same. Like the rooms of a house or the organs of mammals, languages arrange their bits and pieces in different ways but a common pattern exists. Suihan had to reflect this truism. That iconic language of Asian culture; Japanese has honorifics and the level of social distance between speakers is cast into the verb as it does in Latin. The 'san', 'chan' and 'kun' endings – the _vocative _case – existed in Latin and functions in Hungarian and Polish. Of course Suihan and English took a different approach by 'apparently' not having any honorifics. Both languages get around this by using 'fancy words' in formal situations like courtrooms and Suihan makes use of Old Church Suihan in cases where mere polite and fancy talking won't do.

Readers should feel that Suihan has its own character: a language used by forward looking technocrats. Suihan should sound precise, curt and active – a language spoken by culture that wants people to get to the point. Suihan speakers don't use fancy greetings, seldom speak using please or thank you or have words to express deference or respect. Words for politeness do exist but one does not thank a person for simply doing what is expected when, for example, a cashier gives change in a store. The word '_b__í__nici__ette – thanks' or 'laódi_ _-_ _please'_ sound out of place in such cases. Azula addresses people by _their first_ and_ then last_ name (as is the rule) but no title. If she meets a person she doesn't know, then a simple _'ke n__a__mu? what name, or tam namu? your name?.'_ is short and yet entirely correct. If she speaks with a professional then _'dosen - doctor'_ is perfect if it describes the profession of that person. Suihan was meant to oppose Asian propriety and be 'in your face'.


	3. Chapter 3

**The Tales of Henwa Island**

**The Wedding of Chief Hakoda and Lady Ursa**

_"A civilization has begun to die when everyone knows what you should do during a ceremony, abhors you for not doing it, but can't explain why in the world you had to do it in the first place." Karo Zhao._

Karo didn't give voice to his discomfort. He didn't take religion seriously but his mental furniture had already been set in place by his doting mother and his homeland. Suihan rationalism informed his opinions and one thing they told him was that the Universe operated like clockwork. The mental model he had in his mind was of a Universe that worked like a clock and he may doubt the nature of the clockmaker but didn't doubt his existence. He figured God would explain it all to him when he died. The Universe simply worked according to rules laid down at the Big Bang and simply ran on as if would up at that time by the maker and let to do its thing. When the _Fire Nation Priest _began to burn offerings of idols to the Sun; Karo felt insulted. God had created the Sun and it was a physical body with no divine properties. It was a cog in _His_ grand machine.

Azula shared this model. She hovered between denial of God to believing the Creator had left the clock shop to let things unfold on their own and abhorred_ His _shoddy workmanship. Even she never could be absolutely sure. She knew the Moon was a dead rock – she had seen it. When the _Water Tribe Priestess_ began with an invocation to the Moon spirit – a woman; Azula took some offense at the sheer ignorance of this.

The Fire Nation Priest and the Water Tribe Priestess began the show.

"In the ancient days..." The Water Tribe Priestess explained like a hockey referee. "We learned the power of the Moon to pull in the tides and began to learn the wisdom of the Moon. We learned to harness Her power."

A huge moon of wobbly water formed over the stage illuminated by blue fire from her Fire Nation Priest.

In ancient times, the Sun Worshipers discovered the power of the Sun." The Fire Nation Priest announced.

"We won't run out of hot water." Azula muttered this in Suihan so Karo would hear but others would not hear her words.

"The wedding of Chief Hakoda and Lady Ursa have united our two great nations" The two religious officials announced in a co-ordinated ballet. "We have a union of Fire and Water. On cue, a blue fire and a cold ice melted into steam. "Lady Ursa and Chief Hakoda are to wed!"

A harsh music swelled. A string on a traditionally untutored violin rang out as Lady Ursa dressed as well as economies would permit walked out on stage hand in hand with Hakoda of the gray hair.

Karo hated this moment as his ears tried to make sense of the chorus of Water Tribe singers and the chorus of Fire Nation singers who had begun singing in unison offstage. He had learned the minor and major scales and this was an offense to both. Karo had perfect pitch and he really hated the pain of hearing the notes of anything off with his carefully calibrated ears.

Lady Ursa and Chief Hakoda walked out slowly.

They looked majestic. Lady Azula wore the best and finest clothes of the high female of the Fire Nation. Azula had no doubt her mother was majestic. Hakoda wore the best robes of his tribe and they walked hand in hand. Neither of them looked comfortable.

Chief Hakoda and Lady Ursa arrived at the shiny brass microphone stand at the same time.

They intertwined their fingers.

"Lady Ursa of the Fire Nation – do you take Chief Hakoda as your lover forever?" The Fire Nation Priest asked.

"Forever being about three years at their age and health."Azula groaned. The one time she didn't want to be understood and used Karo's language to obfuscate was the one time someone picked up on her words and a spot light fell on her. "As is our tradition...the Water Tribe will hear any objections from the family of the bride."

"Have you Hakoda of the Water Tribe woven the necklace of betrothal?" The Water Tribe aged priestess announced.

"Yes." Hakoda answered.

"Have the parents of the bride accepted you into their family?" The Water Tribe Priestess asked with great ceremony.

The spotlight danced around the room.

Karo and more importantly, Azula knew what would come next. _Gran Gran_ had given her approval but both of Lady Ursa's parents had died. Her grandmother had died of some sort of rapid acting cancer the best doctors couldn't cure while her grandfather had died under mysterious circumstances after ingesting thallium – rat poison – presumably by accident.

All great ceremonies had moments of grave discomfort.

The spotlight shone down on Azula.

"I thought_ my twit_ of a brother would have _all_ the say in this." Azula winced in the bright light.

"Our customs are not beholding to you; but your mother wished to know if you approved of Hakoda." The Water Tribe Priestess's voice dropped about an octave as she spoke. "Fire Lord Zuko gave his blessing."

"Why do you need mine?" Azula tried to focus on the priestess. "My mom wishes to marry Hakoda of the Water Tribe. I have no real problem with this?" Azula squinted. "Can you ask the stage hand behind that limelight to turn down the follow spot – I can't think straight. I feel like the secret police are interrogating me."

The light dimmed. Azula could see the elderly priestess as a silhouette.

The priestess had hoped someone had briefed Azula on the part of the ceremony where she had to give her approval for her mother to marry as her only living daughter.

Azula had a dazed and confused look.

The Fire Nation priest had not even begun his part in the formalities and he could sense something had gone badly wrong. Memos had circulated, _the Fire Nation Ministry of Cultur_e had researched the traditions (if any) instantiated by the marriage of a Fire Nation widow and a Chief of the Water Tribe and found little of any use.

At the back, a senior civil servant in_ the Ministry of Culture _wondered who had screwed up the memo that would have informed Princess Azula she had to give her consent to the marriage. He hoped that wasn't his job. He had risen up the ranks through the Ministry of Agriculture and still had nightmares of the heaps of subsidy checks given out to rice farmers to keep growing rice on their three acre plots. He had left that ministry shortly before his supervisor had discovered some vast incompetent had handed out checks to people claiming to farm sushi. He pulled at his collar.

Azula fidgeted and tapped Karo who stood up obediently.

"What did I do?" Karo whispered.

"I have no problem with my mother marrying Chief Hakoda of the Water Tribe." Azula said confidently.

"_You're speaking Suihan._" Karo whispered back. "Can you rewind that and say the same words in _Fire Nation Chinese_ and we can soon be enjoying our dinner of rice harvested by farmers with larger subsidies than most public schools."

"Oh...right." Azula blinked because her eyes had grown dry. "I say before all of the assembled company of witnesses." She whispered to Karo. "Was that in Chinese?"

"As far as I know."

"Trying to express myself in formal Fire Nation Chinese is like trying to play an orchestral symphony on a_ Whack – A – Mole_ game." Azula turned away from Karo and faced the silhouette. "I give my consent for my mother to wed Chief Hakoda of the Water Tribe."

* * *

"Kill me now." Azula came out of the washroom holding a hot white towel a friendly washroom attendant had handed to her. "When the temple chimney belches white smoke, does that mean the marriage has run to completion."

"I think we do that when we elect deacons." Karo threw the towel the attendant had given him into the bin provided. "We still have the Fire Nation part of the ceremony to sit through and I haven't eaten yet. I would hate to have to go through this again. Why does everything here have to have such a decorous and baroque aspect to it. The washroom had gold faucets and a man handed me a scented hot towel to dry my hands with. I had thought a napkin dispenser would work for less."

"Did you ever notice the gold leaf they hammered into the church interiors of your homeland?" Azula said rather impatiently.

"An angel covered in gold leaf gets that way because people in the church raised the money to put the angel in gold leaf. I won't defend that kind of spending either but the church doesn't impose a twenty percent value added tax on everything." Karo replied. "Cherubs and tropical hardwood pews are just as decadent but they don't infringe on my time." He scratched his head. "I would think the napkin dispenser wouldn't need gold leaf or cherubs but that may be a matter of taste."

"Nice speech Azula." Lady Mai smiled as she approached Azula and Karo. "So you think the glorious language of the Fire Nation lacks expressive power?"

"I whispered that to – wait you heard that?"

"I can speak some Suihan." Mai grew instantly serious. "I had never imagined the daughter of the great Fire Lord Ozai would come to speak a language used by merchants."

"Please don't fight." Karo pleaded although the insult from Mai stung him as well. Karo thought the language of merchants gave Suihan a kind of democratic cache. Karo knew his Chinese had an accent with a rolled 'r' he could never drive below the surface.

Azula had not given this much thought at all.

"When do we get to the point where we chuck grain at the newly married couple as they drive off in their car with the tin cans trailing behind them?" Azula asked Mai.

"We throw rice as they leave the palace."

"I brought a bunch of heads of corn." Azula replied. "As you know, Suihan has periodic monsoon failures and so rice growing never took hold because rice takes too much water and so we developed corn cultivation."

Karo said nothing. He knew The Dominion was a big island and grew a great deal of corn. The _Co-Op _sign hung above the warehouses of the docks where various ships loaded corn or corn products. The grew a good deal of olives and other plants that didn't croak and cause famine if they didn't get soaked and flooded out.

"The Fire Flakes you love so much are made of corn – not rice." Azula explained. "Can I huck maize at them?"

"Not unless you take it off the cob." Was the end of Mai's remarks at this time.

In Karo's hometown, the city had bylaws for every eventuality – including snow. It had not snowed ever on the island he called home but this gave by law writers a job.

Azula began to understand how asteroid spotting telescopes could find a faint image moving against the backdrop. They had found the planet Pluto using much the same technique.

* * *

Fire Nation ceremony had all the excitement of sitting on top of a mountain exposing photographic plates over several hours without the minimum wage pay the University paid the undergrad astronomy students.

According to Fire Nation theology; which came out after a long and extended explanation by the priest, volcanoes were sacred spots.

This left Karo wondering if real estate investments in the Fire Nation came at too high a cost.

Azula felt her hair on her arms bristle.

A shot of lightning flew out over the room.

"Our beloved Lady Ursa is to wed the handsome Chief Hakoda."

"What happened to the twin old ladies who used to do the public announcements?" Karo whispered to Azula.

"When I met them," Azula answered back, "they had lived long enough to witness the process of evolution in our species but at the young age of three hundred or so;_ Death_ claimed them. Now our public announcements are done by some anonymous news reader between the rugby scores."

The Fire Nation priest began reciting the names of the major deities inhabiting volcanoes.

"Mount Fuji?" Karo's mind drew a blank. "Fujiyama? Mount Unzin -Unzinyama. I sense a linguistic pattern. How many volcano gods does this country have?"

"One for each virgin they have to sacrifice to keep them from blowing up."

"I gather Ember Island missed its volcano virgin?" Karo stifled a yawn.

"Did you think human sacrifice would prove effective against the whims of plate tectonics? Some idiot a few thousand years ago thought this volcanic archipelago would make for a nice homestead." Azula leaned over and whispered in Karo's ear. "Then they discovered that the reason the rice grew so well was due to fertile volcanic soils. We've been screwed ever since."

A nervous waiter brought a phone to Azula on the center of a silver tray. "_Madame_ has a call from an unpronounceable gentleman in the Dominion."

"I can no...wait I can wait perfectly happily outside of...I have no say in this: I have grown tangled up in the phone cord." Karo complained. "What kind of a person has a four hundred meter long phone cord? What kind of person would pick that shade of red to make a phone but I digress. Outhouse brick red for everything! You always drag me along on your little adventures and I really don't have enough nerve to refuse you."

"It could be worse."

"Lady Mai could want the use of the woman's john?"

"I wouldn't have picked that shade of pink for the marble sink and _the Creator of All that Is_ knows I shouldn't even know what a _Feminine Hygiene Product Dispenser_ looks like!" Karo pleaded helplessly. "This one actually wants a bronze piece for its good work."

"No...my fiance wants to buy a tampon." Azula spoke over the phone. "I will be back home the day after tomorrow."

Azula hung up and wondered if she had to reel in the long phone cord.

Azula jammed a bronze piece in the machine. "My mother now owns a hotel in the resort city of Torquay an hour north along the coast by train from our lovely hometown."

Karo pulled at the red wire. "How much does she have to cough up for the privilege on doting on tourists?"

"She paid a cool quarter of a million." Azula tried to undo the wire from around Karo's neck. "The old owners wanted to offload the inn so we actually got quite a good deal. Hakoda had the idea of buying her a nice home." Azula explained as Karo realized he stood in the girls' washroom. "My brother decided to front the money to buy a small bed and breakfast in the seaside resort of Torquay as a wedding gift. Made our gift look like we bought it out of a vending machine for a bronze piece."

"I have about one two hundred and fifty thousandth of the money required in my bank account." Karo looked around the washroom hoping his visit to the forbidden washroom would go unnoticed. "Why did you have to take the call from the estate agent?"

"My brother put up the money but he needed my help with the paper work and deeds." Azula began to guide Karo to the door of the washroom. "The Dominion uses Suihan as the official language and so my brother had to have my help as a translator. He promised me one political favor and so I helped."

"Oh Sweet God!" Karo looked at Lady Mai and her two servants and at her daughter who seemed to appear out of nowhere. "She brought me here. I didn't want to come with her but then again I couldn't figure out how to free myself from this phone cord."

"You are too nice for that bitch." Mai told Karo.

Azula seethed with anger.

"Hitting me with the phone won't help your case!" Karo pleaded. "Who is too nice for what bitch? I have no doubts this involves me in some – please quit strangling me with the phone cord!"

"What does my brother see in you." Azula replied.

"Please...I have a blood clotting disorder and this won't help my health."

"Your brother would have killed you had Katara not stopped him." Mai hissed back. "I hope you enjoyed your stay at the asylum...I know I did."

"I can't breathe." Karo tapped Azula's shoulder. "I have it on good authority that I need oxygen. Can you please loosen the cord?"

Karo dropped to the floor when Azula snapped the phone cord.

"Out of respect for my mother and because your daughter needs her mother; I won't kill you where you stand."

"Eegh!" Karo hit his head on the underside of the sink. "Did I tell either of you that I have had _no_ fun tonight?"

Karo held his head and pushed up his glasses.

Azula and Karo returned.

Karo sat down at his seat and rubbed his neck. "How many volcanic mountains does this country have?"

"About a hundred."

"How far down the list has our priest gone."

"About half way." Azula remembered quizzes about the important or deadlier volcanoes in the Fire Nation. She had always scored rather well on those tests but none of the names she heard sounded at all familiar. "The Fire Nation resides on a volcanic island chain."

"This explains why no one mows their lawns?" Karo had spent many of his good Saturdays mowing the lawn of his mother's house and hoped everyone suffered equally. The Fire Nation evidently didn't consider weeds a concern. "I saw a thistle of some sort – may have been carnivorous – that had grown taller than the ugly tin shed it shaded. I don't quite know how to take that."

Karo had not expected this. He had expected a once powerful nation to exercise lawn care but he had seen some hideous weeds that had gone far beyond what by law enforcement officers should have considered decent. He had expected solid and grand architecture but most houses in the Fire Nation begged for a good coat of paint and had a leaking fuel oil tank on stilts standing in front by the front door. He wondered if the flammable liquid should be stored near the escape route from fire.

The Fire Nation speaker droned on as he listed each and every volcano.

"I may not be the brightest bulb in the six pack but should I worry that I have set foot on an island with more volcanoes than telephones?" Karo whispered to Azula. "Last year, your country flooded basements and took out marinas in our country. Am I safe or do you plan to cash in my life insurance?"

"Wait till you see the horrible bugs." Azula answered back. "We have a wasp the size of your foot."

"You offer no comfort."

"Don't worry. One day they will land on _Dominion_ soil and take over from the cane toads."

"Evolution in action." Karo pushed his glasses up his nose. "The Fire Nation motto – _Nature __Will Do Everything to Kill You?"_

"Can you make that rhyme?" Azula pushed her glasses up her nose. "I might sell Zuko on it."

The next part of the Fire Nation part of the ceremony involved belching white smoke.

The priest made a call out to the power of the Sun as stage hands lit fire works using elaborate fire bending gestures.

"As we learned to harness the powers of the Sun on Earth..." The priest announced as reeking white smoke surrounded him, "our wise ancestors discovered Fire sustained all life."

"Fusion?" Karo whispered to Azula. "The Sun runs on Fusion of hydrogen while fire is the rapid oxidation of chemicals."

"Don't tell them now." Azula brushed the smoke away from her face. "Wait until he brings out the_ live_ dragon."

"As life needs Fire to grow, let this union of Hakoda of the Water Tribe and Lady Ursa of the Fire Nation signify the union of two souls." The Fire Priest made a grand gesture and the fire works died off leaving the room filled with white acrid smoke. "May they grow together in spirit and in prosperity."

Lady Ursa came from the left side of the stage. Hakoda came from the right side.

The hall went quiet except for the ceiling fans some thoughtful stagehand had turned on.

The lights lowered and a red spotlight lit up the couple standing next to the priest.

Karo knew seeing a live dragon was next to impossible. The average dragon was an exceedingly rare creature due to excessive hunting.

A badly tuned gong sounded.

"As Hakoda is not of the Fire Nation; our ceremonies are not binding on him." The priest spoke as small blue flames grew around the couple. "Have you chosen this man out of love?"

"I have." Lady Ursa said ritualistically. "I wish to spend the rest of my life with him."

The blue flames grew up, laser straight and formed a circle then died down.

"All nations of the World _shall_ recognize Lady Ursa as wed to Lord Hakoda."

"I half expect to see hockey players to skate out of a cloth mouth of a bear and begin a play off game." Karo whispered.

Laser sharp red flames grew out of the stage. A dozen fire benders of great skill hiding in the darkness of the stage gestured to weave the flames into intricate geometric patterns. Hakoda and Lady Ursa stood still. The lines of flames danced and rotated in opposing directions with the blue moving clockwise and the red flowing clockwise.

The lights silently died out, the flames subsided and all was silence.

Voices murmured.

Azula nudged Karo. "Is that all?"

"How would I know?"

* * *

"_If you knew Sushi like I knew Sushi. If you (singular) knew sushi?_" Karo looked at a dainty white china 'square' and a set of chopsticks and tasted the green paste and instantly regretted it. "I know fish would kill you but couldn't they have given me a steak like yours?"

"This is dead dolphin steak." Azula pointed at a brown piece of meat. "This won't kill me but it has given rise to the kinds of feelings in me that watching a fire truck racing towards your plane inspires."

"Oh...I have some moral objections to eating an animal capable of algebra." Karo's face grew sour and he blushed. "What the hell did I just ingest and is it governed by strategic arms treaties as a biological weapon?"

"The green stuff is wasabe or as you might know it – pickled horseradish."

"And the stuff they used to wrap the thing that looks like a cinnamon roll does to a color blind guy is what?" Karo had his opinion set on cellophane. "No one told me I needed a guidebook to figure out what I'm eating. What is the wrapping stuff?"

"Some kind of seaweed."

"I didn't sign up for the full Fire Nation cultural immersion experience." Karo looked at Azula. "My mom and I fled the Fire Nation as political refugees. Don't you think this gives me some right to question their food?"

"Wait until you eat dessert?" Azula said enigmatically.

"That soda is revolting!" Karo scowled at a glass of a drink that only appeared to be lime soda but had some horrid bean like taste to it. "Carbonation and that taste do not blend well together."

"Tofu flavored soda...we have some of the more inadequate food chemists." Azula answered. "We have an entire food industry based on what you ought not to do with soybeans."

"Soybeans?" Karo looked confused. "I had no idea you could eat them."

"Your people use the same basic recipe to make fire fighting foam." Azula raised her eyebrows. "I would have warned you but if you don't learn on your own; you never will."

"What do I do with the wooden sticks?"

"You use them to ingest the food."

Karo held the sticks in his hand. "And metallurgy just happened to other people? And what is the food? The tofu soda left me more than a little gun-shy of your cuisine."

"The white sticky stuff is rice and the reddish brown stuff is fake crab." Azula had a fork and knife. "The green thing beside the fake crab is some kind of vegetable."

"The word 'fake' startled me. What _in_ Christendom is 'fake' crab? I have seen crabs and nothing about them warrants counterfeiting." Karo looked down at the plate. "Is it me or does my plate look like one of those modern art statues found in trendy mall _food_ courts?"

"Fake crab is tan on one side and red on the other." Azula explained. "Fire Nation cuisine has grown from a grand tradition of thousands of years or that is what they told me as I came out of anaphylactic shock from eating it. The plate must have a perfect 'zen' form and express balance."

"You made that up to see me eat raw fish, didn't you?"

"The advocates of refined culture would have you believe that." Azula added. "I think we're going to have an underdeveloped tourist industry until we fix our food but then again everyone else has eaten it."

"Are you going to eat your dolphin or may I borrow your knife and fork?"

Azula handed the utensils over. "You shouldn't eat sushi with a knife and fork. They consider it the height of uncultured behavior to eat with cutlery or your fingers – in case you wanted to have a go at it like you can with finger food. They will regard you as a bad mannered _Gaijin_. They may even laugh."

"Are you making up new words?" Karo asked pensively. "What does _Gaijin_ mean?"

"Uncultured idiot."

"Remind me of this cultural attitude when I have money to invest in the tourism industry here." Karo moaned. "Of course the people here might think me a _Gaijin _or '_uncultured idiot' _for any number of reasons: I have a different religion, I like the metric system, I have a house made of bricks, My house has running water. Any other cultural norms I'm unaware of?"

"Eat your raw fish." Azula said. "You may come to acquire the taste."

"I am a victim of the Emperor's New Clothes." Karo looked at the green paste that had caused him much pain. "Will they give me the antidote for the internal parasite I may acquire from eating raw and uncooked fish? I like fish but had come to expect it to have a breaded coating and be cooked. I seem to remember that uncooked fish did a job on your innards and provided an opportunity for liver flukes to digest you from the inside out."

"Don't eat the puffer fish then."

"I had no idea you could eat that. In fact I would have gone out on a limb and told you that eating a poisonous fish would be a very bad idea." Karo tried to figure out how to gracefully use the chop sticks but nothing came to mind.

"They call it 'fugu'."

"Of course. How do I know I'm not feasting on 'fugu' now?" Karo turned a brighter shade of green. "I may have been fugued and not known about it until I began to die of cardiac arrest."

"I really, really can't eat dolphin." Azula complained and pushed her plate away from her. She even found herself staring down at the shaved horseradish and white rice topped off with some kind of green onion. "This is why socialized medicine is a bad idea. When you have your health cared paid for; you have no incentive to stop you from poisoning yourself. You can eat _fugu_ as a test of your manhood and expect to have the state pay for your recuperation."

"How does anyone eat dolphin?"

"You throw a beach ball out of the end of the dock and shoot the dolphin that comes to play with it." Azula pushed her square plate. "Or you start one bite at a time. I don't really care about the stuff vegans go on about but if dolphins are intelligent then they have nimble enough minds to plot revenge. If they ever do make an atomic bomb; I want them to aim it away from the island I live on. Quite frankly; this place is a dump and probably deserves being blown up."

It occurred to Karo that they always called The Fire Nation – The Fire Nation but that he had no idea what name the main island actually had.

* * *

Azula stood up and tapped the microphone.

Karo stood next to her with an irregular verb that begged to be conjugated in belch form.

Azula didn't shine forth as a prop comic but she produced a piece of paper. Her level of unusual discomfort made for an amusing sight in the eyes of Lady Mai.

"Is this on?" Azula tapped the microphone.

"I had planned to say something profound at this point. As Katara pointed out, this joins the Fire Nation and Water Tribes in some way blocked only by menopause, certain unenforced laws and death. As only a minority of you have any familiarity with the Suihan language; Karo's ability to belch verbs conjugations in that language would be a lost art to you. So many gifts go too long unappreciated."

"Keep me out of this." Karo begged. "I have no idea why you dragged me up here but I'd rather be sitting at the table trying to fold my napkin more than seven times."

"As some of the more perceptive of you know; I'm Lady Ursa's daughter – _Princess Azula_. I grew up in the palace and went insane." Azula began walking across the stage. "I now program computers for a living. As many of you don't know; a computer is a nice room sized machine that runs software for people who enjoy mathematics or making machines cream you at chess. It uses slightly less power than a large aluminum smelter. I would like to tell you my mother had an influence on me and my choice of vocation but she had no effect whatsoever. My hubris, impatience and stubborn laziness played a huge role. My mother and I are really quite different people and we share little in common."

"I have no direct place in any of these proceedings." Karo complained. "Those who serve raw fish as a food item should also provide the barf bags for the aftermath. I'm not complaining but some cultural traditions like eating human brains and communal suicide after battle are bad ideas. Stupidity and culture are often synonyms."

"Have you finished?" Azula asked.

"I will be once I name my liver fluke."

"Move those chess pieces and you will taste my revenge." Azula announced suddenly as a servant picked up used napkins from the table. She had left the miniature chess set on the table – she had passed the time trying to figure out why Karo – a man who lacked her acumen for mathematics – could beat her two times out of three. "I have Karo trapped in an ingenious trap which unfortunately has left me without my queen, the knights and a few other pieces save the bishop and the rook."

"I remember when I met Karo." Azula strutted across the stage like a comedian. "Unfortunately, Uncle Iroh has taken ill from the effects of diabetes and advance age and has been in hospital for some time. I miss him. When _I_ left the hospital; I went to _Ba Sing Se_ and lived in the guest cottage of his tea shop. I met Karo one day when I had a raccoon in my little cottage. To say Ba Sing Se has a raccoon problem understates the true magnitude of the problem by several degrees. Ba Sing Se has the famous walls that have repelled countless attacks." Azula snapped her fingers for dramatic effect. "Cholera and raccoons got through like nothing. Killing the raccoons on sight is a matter of policy."

Karo blushed.

"Our noses met over the smell of roasted raccoon." Azula looked at Katara as she walked on stage. "_Oh for crying out loud_ I didn't even list 'kill raccoon and brag' on the Azula social screw up table!"

" I came out because it symbolizes forgiveness."

"Screw off." Azula hissed back. "Forgiveness is a tactic losers use to explain why they lost...why are you hugging me?"

"You may not know this...but I forgive you for your evil."

"Quit touching me...I have no idea where you've been." Azula snapped back. "You told me to tell a touching tale. I could have begun explaining how a nuclear reactor works. Okay...well if you enrich Uranium..."

"I once hated you." Katara sang out.

"I can't drink because I take medication but you simply shouldn't because your at the _'confession stage'_ of drunkenness." Azula trailed on. "You still hate me. You now do me the service of telling me that much. Just last night as I hunted through the palace kitchen to find tea you told me that unspeakable horrors would follow if I made tea."

"I consider you my best friend." Katara hugged Azula.

"My mom is giving me the 'stink eye'." Karo said gently. "We're holding things up. Just let us tell the parishioners that Bingo is on Wednesday at seven in the evening and then we can get on with the hymns. I like good old Number 403."

_"We All Believe in One God?"_ Azula answered.

"I thought you slept through the sermon."

"Can I continue?" Azula pried Katara off of her determined hug. "We met at Uncle Iroh's tea Shop and I decided Karo was not too offensive as a male. He smelled nice and he can play the most beautiful music. I have no idea if I fell in love with him but I _do _love him."

"How sweet!" Katara wiped away a tear.

"My mom has found a man with facial hair. I have no idea why she likes him but she does. A few weeks ago she feared telling me that she had decided to wed this man because she worried about what I might think." Azula pushed Katara away. "Katara made my life hell for a week until she confessed that our remaining parental units were going to marry. This evening makes _the sleeping together_ formal." Azula held back Katara as the Water tribe Goddess began another hug. "I will regret those words but if I thought about everything I said, I'd never get anything said. Now Katara and I are step sisters."

"I have missed the best years of my life." Katara sobbed.

"Indeed." Azula answered. "You are a year older than me."

"I have never found my true love!"

"You whore yourself out plenty of times." Azula pushed Katara away. "How many mojitoes have you had?"

Katara meant a dozen but raised ten fingers.

Four hundred meters of red phone cable snaked from the coatroom of the hall, through the back door of the visitor's reception office, down the hall in lazy loops and terminated on the table of Karo and Azula.

Other guests danced at the front of the hall.

"Apollo's Pizza?" Karo adjusted his glasses. "Taiko 7453."

Azula began dialing. She didn't hold up much hope for a pizza. Everyone in the city had closed for the evening or didn't deliver or delivered only before a certain time or couldn't deliver in less than thirty minutes and didn't want to give away free food.

"Hello Karo." Koko stood over him like a badly placed skyscraper over a prairie landscape. "Do you mind having a dance with me?"

"Don't do it Karo." Azula hung up the phone.

Koko was a Kyoshi Warrior and everything Azula felt she deserved to be but missed by a full head height. Koko had a beautiful earth toned and graceful dress and had her hair done up in the finest style mere human hairdressers could accomplish. Koko looked like a black haired Viking Goddess without her exotic makeup. Azula had wondered how many frighteningly good looking women had come to live on a remote, volcanic Southern Hemisphere island. Did this involve some kind of recruiting or a secret breeding program? In all respects, Kyoshi Island was a dump but they had good looking virtuous women.

"I hope you don't mind if I take the next slow dance with Karo. He's a nice man and I haven't seen him in all these years." Koko sat at the table. "Why do you have a phone?"

"Karo and I volunteered to raise money to build a new wing on the hospital and are taking calls for the radio telethon." Azula felt a tad jealous. "I need some real food to eat. We had sushi and fish for the main course. I can't eat seafood because of allergies so they served me a dolphin steak. I refuse to eat any animal that can outwit me in a game of chess. I couldn't even eat the parsley. I went to the kitchen because as the princess of the Fire Nation I have the _right_ to use the kitchen. Having the right doesn't mean having the ability."

"Dolphin meat is some of the finest." Koko commented. "We serve it to our most honored guests."

"Ew." Azula shifted uneasily. "Kyoshi Island lies at 43 degrees south and 138 degrees east? When the dolphins built their first atomic weapon; I want them to know who to vaporize. Anyhow, I can't cook and when the pressure cooker exploded; I had to leave before the staff found macaroni and cheese all over the place."

"Do you mind?" Koko asked again. "I will bring him right back."

"Sure." Azula began to work the phone. "I warn you Karo has a natural sense of rhythm but not the same one as the rest of our species so you have to lead and he will step on your foot."

"Ow!" Azula found Toph standing next to her in a nice green dress (Azula had never seen Toph in a dress). Toph had the odd ability to sneak up on people even though at most of the time, she had the same level of stealth as a scream.

"That was sweet."

"I'm glad you're enjoying yourself." Azula knew she didn't have to hide her emotions from Toph because toph could sense them but at this time, Azula wanted the sarcasm to be 'in your face'. "Before I kill you by tying your legs to a sack of hammers and sending you for a swim; why did you hit me in the arm?"

"Koko has a_ 'thing' _for Karo." Toph pulled herself up onto a chair. "She likes him."

"Well after dancing with him, she won't make that same mistake twice." Azula pushed the phone directory into the center of the table.

"Koko had a short and sad marriage and now is lonely." Toph shifted in her seat. "I think its sweet you let her have a dance with your guy."

"I have my eye on both of them." Azula told Toph in a grim voice. "Koko has behaved herself so far but Karo looks very uneasy. Life is too short so enjoy it while you can."

Lady Mai came up to the table. "When I went to the Servant's Office to place a call for one of our guests; I found no phone. Why do you have it?"

"I have an anthropological interest." Azula cooed and Mai knew something awfully insulting was coming. Mai braced herself. "Actually I have a reverse anthropological interest. I wanted to find a place in the Fire Nation capitol that served the kind of food I like to eat. Dolphin steak and parsley? You set that up didn't you?"

"Please give me the phone." Lady Mai asked patiently. "We need it."

Toph could feel the tension but said nothing. Toph knew Lady Mai had plotted to disgust Azula and was concealing the fact.

Karo sat down and Koko gave him a small kiss on the cheek. "You dance far better than you think."  
"Farewell and good night." Koko said. "I have to make sure Aori isn't tormenting the babysitter and it has been a long day for me. I hope to visit all of you guys someday." Koko blew a kiss at the table as she gracefully walked away.

"Best wishes." Karo answered back. "You have our address so feel free to write."

Azula shoved the phone toward Mai.

"I have had a long day with far too much dead dolphin meat and not nearly enough time with pizza and a good soda." Azula whined. "My good Lady Mai, meeting you again has reminded me to count my blessings. I get to go home and forget about you in a day or so."

"I won't get those six hours of my life back." Azula flopped onto the bed. "Tomorrow, my mom and Hakoda leave on a _three week_ honeymoon to your neck of the woods. My mom will then begin her career as an innkeeper."

* * *

"Katara seems to have accepted things."

"Wishful thinking like world peace or edible bean curd." Azula snorted. "She hasn't fully come to accept anything. The next time I do something to bother her; I expect a knife in my back."

"Go outside and bang trash can lids together under her window." Karo suggested helpfully as he sat on the bed. "Come back and tell me what she threw at you."

Azula sat up. "The idea appeals to all of the better and nobler urges of my soul."

"Which should tell you _not_ to do it."

Azula lay back down. "I feel like I have sat in that hall and baked."

"Did you get enough blowhole with dinner?"

Azula had lived outside of the Fire Nation long enough to understand many cultural norms made very little common sense and she hated most of the food. She hated rice and was allergic to fish.

"Are you hungry?" Azula asked Karo. "Did you get enough to eat?"

"I can still taste the _wasabe_." Karo decided the hint from Azula was a good one and wondered if real food could be had on the palace grounds. "I have a hint of that tofu and humiliation because everyone looked at me fumble with chopsticks."

"Now we need a phone book and a phone." Karo stood up and rummaged around looking for what he expected to be a brick red phone. He found it on the desk under a jacket he had tossed their for safekeeping. He rummaged through the desk and found a thick phone book. "_Honorable Miyagi __Prefecture Telephone Listings_ thank you_ Oh Honorable Customer_ for using the directory listings."

"The use of the vocative 'Oh' seems excessive in that context." Azula had forgotten much of the baroque machinery the Fire Nation used to mandate politeness. She had never had much occasion to use it in her life and had once sat on top of the social pyramid and had no one to be deferential to. "What restaurants do we have to chose from?"

"A single _Fat Boy_ restaurant across town that's closed because they all close at eleven." Karo studied the restaurant listings page. "We have Sushi place on every block, a take out and deliver all night tofu place. French fries, a coke or cream soda and a few pieces of chicken sounds like a tall order.

"I wonder...the palace staff room had a vending machine." Azula sat up again. "Follow me for salty snacks."

Quick Facts

The Fire Nation is a volcanic archipelago with a population of 120 million. It has over two hundred inhabited islands but _Kaido_ is the Main Island and is about the size of the State of California. The climate is temperate in the north and in the highlands of the main island. Southern Islands like Ember Island have a subtropical climate. The summers tend to be hot and humid, winters are cool with heavy rainfall during the winter and spring. The dominant crops are rice and vegetables and fruits such as apples. The Fire Nation once had a powerful industrialized economy centrally planned by the nobility and geared for war. As the Fire Nation depended on its possessions such as Suihan for resources, they have experienced a sharp economic decline as they lost access to these resouces and their industries lacked capitol to remain competitive.

Suihan consists of two islands: Vasayas and Orencia. The archipelago includes up to 1400 smaller islands. Orencia is the main island and is the third largest island after the Northern and Southern Water Tribe Islands with an area about the size of Texas or France. Vasayas is a third the size and in total they have a population of 82,450,000 with 15,900,000 living on Vasayas. They lay off the West Side of the traditional Fire Nation map and were often ommitted as the Fire Nation had acquired them as autonomous colonies two and a half centuries ago. The Suihan had a small minority of fire benders and staged wars of resistance. Others sought to ally themselves with the Fire Nation for economic opportunities. The Islands had rice reserves of coal, iron, bauxite and other minerals and during the War the Fire Nation invested heavily in developing the islands.

_The Treaty of Muckden_ and the_ Treaty of Odapest_ were signed weeks after the War. Suihan gained political independence and the Fire Lord became the constitutional monarch. Six years later, Suihan simply repealed Zuko's status. The Island of Vasayas became a province of Suihan but the _Treaty of Odapest_ created a The Autonomous Zone and ceded title to 1000 square kilometers directly to Aang and gave The Air Nomads two seats in the Dominion Parliament.

Orencia lies in the rain shadow of the Seelong Desert off the coast of the Earth Kingdom at around 30 degrees North. The climate is monsoonal with a long ten month dry season and two month Monsoon. The climate played an important role in history. Rice growing proved too expensive as the long dry season and the frequent failure of the monsoons caused crop failures so they fell back on the traditional corn and wheat. In the monsoon years, the Northern coast receives up to 70 cm of rain. Drought years can dip below 30 cm. The summers are hot with daytime averages around 34 degrees and the winters have an average daytime high of 17 degrees. Corn, wheat and olives are the main crops. The nation is heavily industrialized and produces cars, raw and finished metals such as aluminum, manufactured goods, chemicals, processed food, machine goods and electronics.

Vasayas lies directly to the south and lies at around 16 degrees north. The coastal climate is tropical with rainfall of 45 to 55 cm a year as the monsoon is weaker but typhoons can land with great fury. On the coast, temperatures average between 30 and 35 year round. Most people live around the coast where cash crops such as sugar cane and bananas, papayas and pineapple grow well. The Western Air Temple lies in the highlands at 2000 meters. The climate is cooler by 5 degrees but the climate is semi arid with only 40 cm of rain per year. The island has rich deposits of coal, oil, gas bauxite and iron and metal refining is a huge industry. Vasayas produces more aluminum than all other countries combined and steel production matches The Earth Kingdom and has grown steadily.

Suihan has a GDP when measured in Fire Nation Gold pieces is eight times larger with per capita GDP per annum at least ten times as great as the Fire Nation. They have had the funds to invest in infrastructure but also have created environmental problems such as water pollution and deforestation. On Vasayas, forest fires remain a constant concern as they have caused more damage than any other natural disaster in the last century. The country has typhoons that can cause massive landslides and flooding. The island has few large earthquakes but the populated northern coast is vulnerable to tsunamis from other nations around the _Great Ocean_ like the _Fire Nation_.

The Dominion of Suihan and the Avatar have several outstanding disputes. Suihan plans to use the Temple River Canyon to build a vast hydroelectric project. The Lower Canyon dam already produces electricity. Aang fears the massive upper dam could damage the ecosystem around the Air Temple on the Island and destroy fisheries. Avatar Aang has doubts about the presence of Uranium mines just outside the Autonomous Zone. Suihan has a tropical climate and as a developed nation in a warm climate has huge energy needs. The Dominion has begun research into atomic power funded by a consortium of companies and the government Department of Energy. They use a site on the Southern Plain of Rovesa – The Rovesa Research Labs as well as facilities around the country. The project has a great deal of secrecy about it and little public oversight.


End file.
